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Baby Mama Drama

April 17, 2020

When he talks to his baby mama in secret

I get a lot of questions from partners who say that their boyfriends or husbands talk to the baby mama in secret and this is painful. This is a pain point in relationships and it’s damaging relationships so I gotta address it. So whether you’re the girlfriend, wife, or the dad: listen up! These issues affect your relationship and I’m all about helping people have healthy relationships and helping baby mama drama go away. 

Secrets don’t work

If there’s secrets going on, it’s just going to impede your relationship. Now remember when three people are interacting, there is a triangle going on. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you can read my blog post about dealing with baby mama drama as a wife HERE. I talk about the triangle that exists in all baby mama drama. The goal is always to de-triangle. 

Secret-keeping is kind of an unhealthy way to try to de-triangle. Secrets don’t work, and what needs to happen is that everybody needs to be clear and on the up-and-up. Know who’s talking to whom when. If he feels a need to talk in secret to his baby mama without your knowledge, then there’s more going on in that relationship. And you shouldn’t be a part of this. 

First you’ve got to make sure it really was a secret. So you need to know how this all came about. Did he plan to call her and not tell you about it? Did he plan to meet up with her and not tell you about it? Those are secrets.

If he happens to talk to her because this is a woman he’s co-parenting with… And even if he doesn’t usually communicate with her, there will be times in his child’s life where he’s going to need to do that. He doesn’t necessarily have to tell you about every interaction that they have, because they are co-parenting.

But there shouldn’t be any planned interactions or meetings that you’re not aware of, because then that’s a secret. 

Rules and boundaries

You need to have rules and clear boundaries about his communication with the baby mama. But here’s the tough one: You’ve got to make sure that you are a woman that he feels comfortable coming to. Because if every time he brings up his baby mama, you get an attitude, or there’s pouting, or there’s a shift in energy that he feels… Then he’s going to start bringing her up less and less out of self protection.

If he happens to talk to her and he doesn’t want to get that from you, he’s not going to tell you and that’s not okay.

So what you need is very clear rules and boundaries about communication and meeting with the baby mama, but it doesn’t mean you’re sitting down to tell him the rules. It means you guys need to sit down together and come up with rules that you both agree on. So that when these things happen, you can both be open and honest about what’s going on. 

We train people how to treat us. If every time he’s bringing up baby mama stuff you’re teaching him to not bring it up because of the way you act, you are creating what you don’t want. It’s not healthy for you, and it’s not healthy for him, and we all lose. 

Message to your man

I actually encourage you to show your man this blog post.

Guys, the more we can communicate, the better! Here’s the deal: I know it might be scary to talk about your baby mama to your partner, because you’re worried she’s going to be jealous. You don’t want things to come up unnecessarily. But what happens is that when you don’t tell her and then you talk to the baby mama or you have interactions with the baby mama, she’s going to find out. When she does, it actually undermines her trust. When she doesn’t trust you, she becomes more insecure. 

And what do insecure women do? They start seeking out stuff to try to see what’s going on to make them feel better. Usually they find things. And it’s not good…

So you can help this situation by being open and clear. Being super clear with the baby mama about your partner, about her place in your life. And being super clear with your partner when you’re interacting with the baby mama, what’s going on, and making sure that she is in the loop. She feels included and secure when you do that. 

When you aren’t honest- even with good intentions, you are increasing the drama. I know it’s tough. You have two women in your life who you have to deal with. One who you love and intentionally have her in your life right now. And the other who is the mother of your child. It’s a tough situation. But you can do it with grace, and you can do it with intention, and you can do it with confidence when you are as open as you can possibly be with both parties.

So be honest about your communications, be honest about your relationship status, address all the stuff, and you will be making her feel secure. That’s gonna make everybody happy. Best of luck. Reach out if your need help

  1. C says:

    I stumbled across a message from when my bf’s baby mama first found out about our relationship. We were taking our time with introductions to the girl’s, and just feeling out the relationship in general. She was not supportive and a fight ensued, the message in question was the make up message, which baby mama said she will always love him, and he reciprocated. I didn’t think much of it in the beginning, but now one year into our relationship she has become a problem. Talking poorly to their kids about me, not allowing them to do things with my family, overall being quite nasty (without going into detail or listing actual events). It’s very evident that she does not want me in the children’s life, but news flash I live with them, get them ready for school, for bed, for the day, pack lunches, do their hair, play with them, help them with homework, and love them to the best of my ability. Maybe it’s selfish but I believe I should be involved in decision making, I mean I’m there? I’m guessing I’m just having a hard time finding my place when she has made it clear she doesn’t want me there in general. I love the children she has made and understand they are hers and my boyfriends, I just would also like to be respected. AND I feel very strongly a lot of it has to do with my boyfriend and a little less about the girls. How do you deal with a baby mama not over her man?!?

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