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Baby Mama Drama

October 13, 2017

Is Baby Mama Drama Hurting Your Relationship? Here’s How To Fix It

So your man is a pretty wonderful guy. Things are going so well. You might have even married him. What in the world could mess this up? Oh, the mother of his kids!

Baby mama drama began with the start of civilization- think Abraham from the bible. Sparks were going off between Sara (his wife) and Hagar (baby mama). Abraham couldn’t deal with the drama and finally shipped Hagar off with their child- never to be seen again. Even if that is your fantasy, it isn’t going to happen- nor should it.

The modern reality is that almost half (46%) of marriages involve a step-parent situation. When your relationship first started, dreams of the Brady Bunch may have been circling in your head. But reality hits and everything isn’t as smooth and seamless as a one-hour episode can make it look.

And often, it’s not even the kids. They’re pretty cool.  It’s their mother- that extra person in your relationship. Relationships are hard enough when it’s just the two of you. We therapists often talk about how unhealthy a triangle is in any relationship.  But, sometimes they just can’t be avoided.

When you have to factor in the mother of his children into your blossoming relationship, baby mama drama can ensue! Sometimes you can feel like giving up- But not so quickly!

Whether you have just committed to this relationship or you’ve been in it for a while and the drama is escalating, how can you step into a split- parent situation with grace, even when the other woman may be spitting venom? And how do you know when the situation is just too sticky and you need to step away?

First things first. We have all heard that two women cannot peacefully rule in a home together. Someone has to take a back seat and there may be a lot of negotiating to figure out whose role is whose.

Sometimes your role will be the back seat and sometimes it should be front and center. You deserve to be respected as the new woman in his life and she needs to be respected as the mother of his children.

You already know that she’s not so thrilled that you are his new woman and the reality is that nothing you do will be good enough in her eyes.

Here are a few tips to negotiating baby mama drama.

(And while you are reading them- remember, you can only change YOU. I’m sure she’s practically evil, but you can’t change her and neither can he. But, you can improve your whole life and relationship by learning how to deal with her in the best way possible. That means changing you.)

  1. Jealousy is a normal emotion. This other woman was a big part of his life and shares the most important little people in his life as well. She likely loved him (and maybe still does). If you can step into her shoes for a moment, you can imagine that she had a dream that they would be together forever. Clearly it didn’t work out and he wants to be with you. It’s not a far step to understand how she may see you as the person who is keeping her from her dream- even if she tells herself and others that she is over him. Both of you will have feelings of jealousy. Instead of trying to deny or suppress them, just acknowledge them. Try to respond and not react, by asking yourself, is this response a result of my jealousy or am I really responding appropriately based on what is good for the whole family?
  2. You and the other woman must have your own relationship. Recognize that your man is pulled into between 2 women and this is a difficult place for anyone to be. If she is constantly complaining, criticizing or even worse, attacking you and your position, you only exacerbate the situation by going and “telling” on her to your partner.Focus on developing a relationship with the mother separate from the relationship with him- even if it isn’t the smoothest one. Approach her and let her know that you are not trying to take over her position. Tell her you recognize that she is the mother first and foremost.Sometimes the other woman just needs to feel acknowledged and reassured that you are not trying to take her place. And by the way, always approach her in a cool, calm manner. If she knows she can get under your skin, she has gained power and will do it time and time again. If all else fails, do let him step in, but if you can’t handle it on the regular and you’re constantly bringing him into an issue between the two of you, you are asking him to choose and you are jeopardizing your relationship.
  3. Mutual Respect. In the best case scenario, you three would all co-parent beautifully with a united front, but that’s a fantasy, not reality. For sanity’s sake, you have to work with what you have. Respecting her rules can be difficult when they are directly against your own. The good news is that kids actually do just fine when there are two sets of rules AS LONG as both sets are clearly stated and respected. It’s only when one parent demeans or disrespects the other’s rules that they get confused. Don’t be that person.
  4. Know Your Role. His children don’t need another mother. It can be easy to try to slip into that role, especially if you don’t have children of your own. Don’t. You should be a friend- and not a best friend either. You deserve a place of respect as the woman that their father has chosen in his life, but becoming too BFF will cause just as many problems as having a bad relationship with them will.A good, solid relationship is what you want to strive for.  Try connecting with them around their area of interests. If they disclose secrets to you, make it clear that you will not be a secret holder and encourage them to tell one or both of their parents.
  5. Your Feelings Are Valid Too. When you have done everything you can do and approached the situation in a mature manner and your boundaries are constantly being overlooked, bring this issue to your partner. You deserve to be respected in this relationship. Don’t expect HER to respect you. Expect HIM to. If your needs or desires are constantly being put on the back burner to appease her, then your man may not be ready to put you first and respect this relationship. This is a hard pill to swallow, but it might not be the relationship for you. Respect her and her place in his life. She’s not going anywhere, but don’t allow yourself to play second fiddle.

Baby mama drama will exist in some form, as it always has, for the rest of time. It doesn’t have to ruin your relationship if you take the high road. Respect her and demand respect (from him) in return and you are well on your way to making it work.

Dr. Zoe Shaw is a licensed psychotherapist and life and relationship coach for women. Join her free monthly newsletter for helpful tips and encouragement for women trying to do it all.





  1. offer says:

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    much more attention. I’ll probably be returning to sеe more, thanks for
    thе advice!

      • Anonymous says:

        Dr Shaw, what is your take on a baby momma who is demanding that she meet me FIRST, before I meet my boyfriends son? They have been split up for years now, and she herself is in a relationship.
        Thank you for your time,

        • Zoe Shaw says:

          Many co-parents have this agreement. My take is if your boyfriend is okay with it, then that is exactly what should happen. If you plan on being in his life, you and the baby mama need to have a good working relationship. This is the very best way to start this off on the right foot! Let me know how this goes. I have started a YouTube channel called baby mama drama fix. I will be uploading videos about this topic very soon! Subscribe here so you get notice when videos get uploaded!


          • Fair Mother says:

            I don’t like this only because people use this title for the average mother. It’s so sad because people anticipate drama and don’t listen to valid concerns. Oh Well It’s the way the world spins.

        • Mama Lara says:

          Hi. So I’ve been thru this!! I have met husband’s kids (we weren’t married at the time tho) and i met them without meeting her first. She flipped her wig! Disrespected him over n over. Yelling at him thru the phone all types of crazy! I finally agreed to meet her probably few weeks later. I didn’t do it for her i did it for HIM, Cause she was trying to deny him his kids until she met me. And i certainly didnt want him to not be able to see his children because she was acting immature requesting to meet me first! Eventually i ended up meeting her. All she said was “Its so nice to finally meet you, i just wanted to meet you because i didnt want things to be awkward between us if we ever saw eachother. At their son’s basketball or wrestling games ” etc. For a bit we had a small and i mean small “relationship” just as this article is suggesting, and by her request. She was starting to text my phone more than my husbands regarding the kids. Like i added her on fb, and my snapchat and she was constantly trolling us. Commenting on our pictures or on my stories on snapchat. And i just kept saying like what the heck? I know we are cordial but we arent friends. Lol my husband and i agreed to delete our fb, and havent been on fb ever since. However i still had a snapchat. Few months after us dating, (4months to be exact) we got engaged. Then 2 months later we got officially married. Once after we got married things drastically changed. I could tell she got real jealous and envious. She would try to come at us about little things. Saying to not use scented soap on their daughter cause she breaks out, i asked what type of soap should i use on her and she sends me a screenshot of the soap she uses on her. And to my surprise, IT WAS SCENTED! Like i didnt understand what she was getting by tellin us to not use those soaps but proceeds to send us what she asked us not to use. Okay fast forward, she also asked me not to use those little black rubber bands on her hair cause it pulls at her hair. But almost every time we pick up their daughter she has those same little black rubber bands she specifically asked me NOT TO USE in her hair. And to make things worse she always has on tight braids in her hair. Does that not pull at her hair as well??? Fast forward some more im pregnant with my husbands and i’s first child (i have 2 prior to him tho) and after that she basically cut all ties to communication with me. And when ice ever tired to reach out to her she ignores me and no response!!! And when my husband questions her why does she ignore me, her response is she doesnt have to talk to me that she and him need to speak cause im not the reason for their children, he is! JEALOUS MUCH?? My husband and i 3 years later had a big wedding (cause we only got married in the court at first) and she almost didnt let us get the kids for that day. She told him he is lucky she let him get the kids cause it wasnt our weekend with them, and she felt that they were neeeded there. How selfish can one be? Fast forward to the present day now, she is so jealous she is trying to go for full custody of their kids and is asking for child support! Hahahahahaha where do they do that at???? She is so bitter and so miserable that she has nothing better to do with her life than to ruin her kids life! You had your chance with my husband and you werent the woman for him! Accept it and move on!

          Oh and here’s the main part of this story. My husband and i have been together for 5 years and been married for 4 n half years. She has had 2 different boyfriends and my husband never went out his way or pressured him to “meet” them as she did to us!

          So in the end whether u meet her or not i feel the outcome will still be the same.
          Has your boyfriend met her new boyfriend? If he hasnt then u already know your outcome will be something similar to mines!
          But if your boyfriend has met her new boyfriend then she just wants the same respect she has given him by him meeting her new man.

          So play it by ear. I’d say go ahead and meet her. Its best for the kids anyways. But u dont have to have a relationship with her. Like i tried. She just wants to see if youre prettier than her. Most baby mommas are just nosey!!!!!!!

          Lol good luck and i hope my story has helped u.

          Baby mommas are forever. You just have to find that man that is worth the baby momma drama. If there is any. Cause he needs a strong woman by his side. Baby mommas are pressed cause they werent that strong woman and ended up just a baby momma lol

          God bless you and your new family❤❤❤

          • Zoe Shaw says:

            Great advice!!

          • Tasha Renee says:

            My husband did meet his baby mama’s bf as well and my life is exactly the same as yours…. down to the soap and rubber bands with small braids. We even got pregnant too….. I think we have the same baby mama lol

          • Mommy Cee says:

            Omg!!! i’m going through this exact ordeal you went through. Your comment has just made me feel like I’m not alone in this, because this is weighing on me heavily.

            This has helped me tremendously!!

            thank you!

          • Brandi says:

            Thank you so much. I truly needed this

          • Zoe Shaw says:

            I’m so glad to be of some help!

          • mamaPRIV says:

            OMG Mama Lara, your story speaks to me. Its like we have the same baby mama 🙁 I wish I can meet you so we can share our story. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone.

          • Elizabeth says:

            Wow girl. Well, the story was very interesting I must say. Thanks.

            I want to share mine with you. Me and my man have been friends for a few years before we decided to get together. He has always felt some type of way about me more so out of curiosity. However the relations were always friend based and nothing inappropriate. One day, we just started talking …about life, nothing personal, literally just friend talk. For a few months. Laughing etc. Then one day I happened to stop by his work because we worked in the same company. Just different locations. He was going on break for a couple weeks, and I thought he was just going on vacation. He suddenly breaks it to me that he’s having a baby. Being that we were just friends ..we were kind of talking too much for him to have kept something so big from me. Now I knew he was in a relationship but we never talked about it, besides that it was a unhealthy relationship and she clearly treated him badly. They were mentally and emotionally separated. They do have 2 previous kids together as well.
            So as he told me he had a baby on the way, i felt some type of way inside, almost like I was betrayed because I mean why keep something that like from a friend right? There were no signs that their were feelings but this brought them out. I told him congratulations, I was literally the only one in the company who did not know. Then I left on a heathy and friendly note. It was clear I was hurt, that’s when I realized I had feelings for him.

            He texts me 2 days later and tells me if we can go out for lunch. I said yes. So we went out for lunch, and we literally did not talk about anything regarding the matter. We were just friends and honestly it seemed like a date. Weird right? What do you think so far?? Trust me it gets deeper. So we continued talking. Meanwhile he’s having a baby with this woman that he’s been in a relationship with and now we are talking knowing we have feelings for each other. It turned into an affair.

            Few weeks later. He lets his baby momma know he’s in love with someone else. Less than a week after having their child. She knew immediately it was me for some reason. She didn’t even know me, and I did not know her. I suppose he’s talked about me before to her and what kind of woman I am. There relationship was weird for sure. She didn’t care if he went out and did whatever he wanted. Including have sexual interactions with other woman as long as she knew where and who, and that she approved of her. Smh. So you see why I feel she didn’t give a damn about him. She has cheated on him multiple times. So anyways. She kicked him out of their house. We continued talking as I wanted to be there for him. She talks to him and says she wants to talk to me. So we talked. I did not want to be on a bad page with her, I wanted it to be direct I let her know if she wanted to make things work between her family I would stop taking to him and let them figure it out. She said he’s not going to stop talking to you, he’s in love with you. Me and her talked everything went fine, she said she did not want him anymore. After we got off the phone she texts me and basically letting me know she would rather talk to me then him regarding the kids. That’s how comfortable we were at that moment.

            I spoke to him about the matter, he told me to block her because she’s manipulative and she will try to gain information and use it against me etc, he didn’t trust it. So I blocked her. It was a big mistake I must say. She got so mad, and she threatened me and him for over a year. And a half’. I ended up unblocking her because I felt bad and she even texted my phone threatening me and what type of woman I am etc that I’m not a good mother because I let him live with me etc etc etc. This woman did not know me..she even started stalking me. The kids were allowed to come over for up until 5 months that we moved in together. She would text his phone and talk a whole bunch of shit about me. It was bad. Finally I was tired of it and I called her phone and told her to stop talking to him about their relationship and about me and bothering us. She didn’t not like this at all. She blocked their kids from ever coming over again after that. It’s been almost 2 years now. I have not seen his kids.. and me and his relationship has been ROUGH!! Also I forgot to mention he proposed to me shortly after we got together. So we got engaged which gave her another reason to talk shit. She’s bitter about the situation to this day.

            Our relationship has been so bad that at this moment, we are not engaged anymore..he’s living with me but sleeping in a different room and we’re not even together anymore, though we are still adamant about messing around with other people as we are still living together. We still love each other..but I think we have been through so much..more than just her, that we are slowly separating in every way…so baby momma drama is ALOT to deal with. Maybe I was wrong for continuing to talk to him after he told me after 2 months of casual talk that he had a kid on the way. Maybe it was our karma for doing that to her. I however had no idea and would have stopped talking to him immediately in the beginning because we were talking as if it could blossom into something but there was nothing inappropriate about it. We never even touched and we fell deeply in love.

          • Carolina says:

            I need some advice, I’m having baby’s mama drama, my boyfriend baby mama hits me up from time to time telling me that she is still hooking up with my boyfriend he tells me she’s lying but he keeps us away from each other he claims to say he keeps us away because she doesn’t like me and she disrespects. But I feel like she disrespects because he doesn’t clarify it to her that were in a relationship, & he doesn’t let her know that I am around the child when she facetimes the child she asks who’s there with your dad and you…the child doesn’t answer the question, what can I do to make this situation better? I don’t know who is lying to me they both swear on their child that they’re not lying., someone is lying but idk who I need advice. I love him but this is just becoming to overwhelming it’s been 6 months of this. We’ve been speaking for almost 2 years.

          • Dee says:

            How do you stay composed during these encounters and not necessarily take it out on him or put that responsibility on him? Does it get under your skin and how do you control your emotions?

          • Leo says:

            Thank you so much for this, I tried approaching her with the manner of respecting her position as a baby mama and she even complimented me by saying she trusts me to be a great mom to get kids compared to the other lady he was with after her. She knew me because we’re from the same vicinity but I never knew her. We even went to the extent of exchanging numbers and I don’t know why she wanted them but we did, now she keeps posting things about me telling her friends that I post her children and I stopped, she then threatened to beat me and how, wherever she meets, me she’ll do me wrong and I called her and asked why she’s fighting me now especially after telling me she’s totally over him, which I didn’t believe, she even has my ex’s number from a different province and tells him how I’m missing and how dangerous the father of his kids is towards my well-being, she spreads lies about how I pick her children up from her house and all that. I’m scared of how she threatens me and how she says she’ll hurt me and I’ve spoken to the father about it and he tells me she’ll never do that. It scares me because I never did anything to her and honestly I respect her as the mother of his children, I know she’ll keep getting at me because now we’re moving in together since we’re both working now and I’d love to have his kids over but since he’s been with me he never sees his kids and she only gives the a phone call so they can ask for money, whenever he says they have to come she grabs the phone from them, I never speak on the phone but she mentions me now and again, we can hear in the background her telling them that I’m a bad woman because I took their father from her and that I live with their father, and when he calls back or any other day she doesn’t pick up. He bought them their own phone and she took it and gave it to their uncle, the kids tell their dad. Long story short, I’ve been nothing but humble towards her but she just doesn’t take it and it’s not only affecting me but their father as well because he cries to me about what she does. I’ve always been quiet towards her threats and demands, and I don’t want to replace her because I’m so different from her, she fights people like a man and she’s huge so I’m scared that one day she’s hurt me. Is it advisable that I approach her again or just let her threaten me?

          • B says:

            I loved this 😭 read every word ❤️

          • Fair Mother says:

            That was not immature to meet you first. It is unfortunate that you feel that way. It’s sad because he should have known better as well and that was disrespectful. Don’t downplay what he does and make her out to be the bad guy because you were in love. You can’t tell her how to co parent. She didn’t need you to do any favors. He needed to be mature and consider all her are permanently involved. That’s unhealthy when people just do random things like that. If he feels that you are important enough to meet the kids he should have spoken with her as well. That’s didn’t make sense. I hope you didn’t cause more problems because your two cents seems to be geared towards what is beat for HIM and as a wife to a man with children that’s not helpful to all involved. But that’s the way the world spins.

          • The Wife says:

            Thank you for posting your situation & experience. I have gone through very similar except the baby mama and I do not have a relationship of any kind. She is toxic. She did petty things like you mentioned about rubber bands, but also sent me messages on IG trying to convince me that my husband was not to be trusted, that she could have married him if she wanted…etc. Pathetic. I never responded and instead ignored her. Have been ever since. I’ve given my husband full trust in handling situations, but I’d be lying if I wasn’t concerned about what else she’s been doing behind my back. I respect my husband and his preference is to continue the separation. One day, I’m sure she will lash out again but until then…my policy is killing her with kindness.

          • Anonymous says:

            Wow I’m sorry,
            but I read your entire post, and I gotta say sounds like mom isn’t expecting anything out of the oridinary, seems like you are just looking for an opportunity to bash her because u wish she didn’t exist, that shit ruins kids lives u not only put ur husband in a tough place but I can’t even imagine the disaster ur creating for their coparenting.
            the level of disrespect u have for the mother, u need to swallow the pill that u came into the situation not her, and u can either be healthy in the dynamic or keep acting like sloppy seconds.
            U need to get over the fact that u ur wants ur desires will never be first and stop being bitter about a situation u put urself in and stop messy up those kids lives by hating on the baby mama for exercising her rights…. and for God sake who judges anyone for asking for child support that right there shows the type u are and no one here respects it.
            Get a grip encourage peace between the parents respect the mother encourage ur man pay child support.
            Hopefully he’s not a deadbeat enough to allow ur jealous opinions to actually impact his co parenting which it sounds he is….. I would leave a woman if they ever acted like that towards my co parent…. childish adults ruining lives.

        • Anonymus says:

          The same thing happen to me, she demanded to meet me first prior to meeting the son. I thought it was unnecessary, the entire thing felt like I was being interviewed for a nanny position. I got the job lol. Her “needs” were frustrating, but it all worked out. My problem now is she wants to be friends with me and stick around his family.

        • Anon says:

          I feel like that ks a reasonable request, especially if he doesnt bring women around often. She probably wants to see if youre serious about him or not.

        • Laura says:

          My boyfriend says he hates his baby’s mum yet he’ll sit with his daughter whilst she FaceTimes her and it feels as though they play happy families. They constantly argue over text too which makes me think that there’s still feelings there despite his daughter being almost five and him having had several girlfriends before me. I feel like I’m compromising a lot and despite him saying things like you’re a perfect match for me and if you didn’t want to do things I’d have a baby with you now but then I see the constant passive aggressiveness from her and things like the FaceTime thing and it makes me feel like I’m disposable and just here because my boyfriend doesn’t want to admit he loves her still. He knows she would get back with him though so it doesn’t make any sense if that was the case. She was with somebody when we got together but they’ve since split and I can tell by the extra effort she’s putting in that she’s trying to force it. I love him and I love his child but I don’t want to sacrifice all that I am if I’m being blind to something that’s obvious. He’s an amazing dad too and he’s always danced to her tune but one half of me keeps thinking if he hated her so much why go to all the effort but the other part of me is like it’s for his child. I don’t know my brain is fried. He said she’s a psycho and she is rough, she’s the type to try and fight me and scream in the street. She knows I exist and acknowledges me, I’ve never met her though and we’ve never seen eachother in the flesh. I live with him too and his whole family knows about me and I’m on all the cards etc but I’m just worried that I’m more serious about this than he is.

      • Anonm says:


        I married the love of my life after 5years of ups and downs, and he has a baby mama (who is, in fact, declared mentally insane by the state). I became friends with her when she was pregnant but then she became spiteful. I’m not too worried about her because I know that she’ll do right by the baby and by my husband.

        My biggest concern right now is my insecurity about him having a baby with someone else. I know he didn’t want to have a kid at all, and I’m so happy that he found a way out of that toxic relationship, but I’m insecure because our first child won’t be his first child as it would be mine.

        I don’t know how to deal with my own thoughts, and try as I might I find it hard for myself to just accept it. I’ve talked about it with him and he’s told me that no matter what it’s going to be OUR first child together (he and I and her do not like each other very much, she cheated on him and did drugs while pregnant, he went into the military in order to support his child, I stopped her from killing herself it was a huge cluster of gross stuff after the other), but I still feel like it’s not his first time going through it and it’s hard for me to handle that.

        Any advice? I’m struggling to be okay with it and I don’t know if I ever will be, you know?

      • Anonymous says:

        Hello, I read this article and found it helpful thanks. My boyfriend and his baby mama went through a rough patch when she found out I was dating him as they were good friends (she has a boyfriend but as you said I imagine there was some jealousy there). Even though I’ve met their child who is 7 and now have a relationship with the child, I haven’t met her yet, as I’ve been cautious and am trying to set a boundary for now based on their past rough patch and fear of drama. Things are better with them now and they are friends again so to speak and both have agreed to set boundaries to make room for their partners in their life which I think is healthy and right. My issue is that when they plan to spend time together w their child for the holidays or major events just so he can spend time w his child. I know he’s a great dad and loves me by setting boundaries and reassures me in words or actions that I’m the woman in his life etc (he doesn’t spend time w her unless the child is there) but now I can’t help feel jealous if they spend hours together. I’ve been cheated on in the past so I know this is an insecurity I need to work on. But I get bad anxiety when I know they are hanging out even when the child is there especially the idea of spending days like Christmas etc together even if it’s just for a couple of hours to see his child. Are there any suggestions you can give to help manage this? Thank you in advance.

    • Edwin Berrios says:

      I have a question Zoe I’m in a co parenting relationship with my children’s mother we also live together , she has a friend that she’s been spending alot of time with they do everything together and honestly it’s hard for me to watch, when I’m around she wants space that she will call when needing anything but we talked and she said she wants me by her side to help and support her, so what should I do I’m confused

      • Zoe Shaw says:

        Hi there, I’m so glad you asked the question. This is a tough situation and I know you’re trying to be the best father and co-parent to your child. I can tell you still have feelings for her- which is completely natural. This woman was your woman at some time and you have children together. Breaking up doesn’t stop the feelings. Unfortunately she is not respecting you. It’s time for you to work on separating from her emotionally. Try to think of your co-parent relationship as a business transaction. You are a father to your children, which has nothing to do with your relationship with her. You are in the co-parenting business with her. This means that you do not help her with her personal business or help her out as a friend or if she “needs anything”. You parent your kids and give them everything they need and that’s it. This isn’t what all situations need to look like, but she is taking advantage of the fact that you still have feelings for her and that’s not fair. I hope that helps.

        I am starting a YouTube channel addressing baby mama drama from a doctor’s point of view. I will be answering questions such as yours. Please subscribe (Link below). Videos will be coming shortly. I hope I can help you on your baby mama drama journey.


    • Cathy says:

      This topic has open my eyes to other females who are experience the same baby mama drama. I have been dating my spouse for the past 4 years. He has picture of his baby mama he use to go with her and he is still responsible for her financially. He however stated that its the kids he is reponsible for and not her. I recently advice him that he need to manage his finances and he told me i was stopping him from taking care of his kids.

      I spend 3 weeks with him and the kids and it feel like im not there. He ignore me then when he finish he see me.

      At this point i dont know what to do

      • Zoe Shaw says:

        You said, spouse, but I’m guessing you mean partner. If you two aren’t married, you don’t have much say in his finances. And the fact that he is not managing them in the way that you think he should gives you a lot of information about what your future will look like with him.

        It’s time to get real with him about what your place is in his life. Is he willing to integrate you into his family or does he want you to forever be the outsider? It sounds like he has some guilt over his place in their lives and he is not giving you the place you deserve in his life.

        He may need some help to see how he can still be a good dad and have an integrated, loving relationship with you as well.

        I am starting a YouTube channel where I will talk about these issues. I will be uploading videos very soon with your questions and answers. Subscribe here, so you don’t miss an episode. I hope to help you on your baby mama drama journey.


        • Cey Cey says:

          Hello Zoe

          I’m dealing with a baby Momma who has had drug issues, abandonment of her child(left with the dad and me over a year), unmedicated bipolar etc. He let’s her walz right back into the sons life and highly disrespect me EVERY chance she can. The child LOVES ME but is not allowed to mention me when he’s with her and she even blocked my # out of his phone. Oh her only insults are that I’m “old.” BTW I’m 51 my fiance is 44 I believe she is 37. We are an oddly blended family. No children together but mine are 30 and 28 and I have Grands 9, 4, 1
          He has a 23 and 8 year old. The little one somewhat get along but when his son is around he’s heard so much bad it’s difficult to break the ice sometimes. I’ve ranted thank you and would love to be the topic of your YouTube show!

          Thanks for listening
          Signed #SheMadCauseImOlderButSoGorgeous 😀😂😍

      • Esveidi says:

        Hey, So I have a question. I’ve been dating my now fiancé for almost three years and we recently had our child too. Everything was fine, we didn’t have to many problems with his BM other than small things that usually involved money. His BM since she found out I was pregnant has changed, i swear she’s always looking for a fight with him. and of course, a women knows what jealousy looks like and I’m positive that’s all it is. I’ve just of course always excused it as they were together for a long time, memories and some feelings are still there. Totally normal. But it’s been over three years. She’s in a new relationship herself.. But anyways me and my fiancé got in a big fight the other day and us being dumb it happened in front of his other son (huge mistake) it had never happened before, our anger got the best of us. Anyways first thing the next Day after his sons goes to his moms, she texts him saying everything we did wrong in our argument. And not only that but blamed me for all it and said I shouldn’t be acting that way in front of her son. Not him but ME.. All my fiancé said to her was to stop asking his son stuff she shouldn’t be asking. and ended it there. But didn’t explain to her that it wasn’t just my fault. Should I message her and explain? Or should I ignore it something like that? Cause for three years I’ve ignored everything. Even when she also blamed me and my son for apparently my fiancé forgetting their son. (My son wasn’t even born yet)

    • Dee says:

      What about when your bf takes his baby momma and their child to his family reunion on a special holiday while I’m at home alone and lied to me about it saying he just have his kid ?
      Why he had to take her ?

      How about his family not knowing about you and still think they’re working things out ?
      Then he says he didn’t want to tell you because he’s afraid of your reaction

      But does a baby momma need to go to family reunions with him ? Am
      I being paranoid ?

      • Zoe Shaw says:

        You are not being paranoid. This is unacceptable- not necessarily that he chose to take her, but that he is lying to you. He is not respecting you. And he is not being honest about his relationship with you. He’s not ready to be in a relationship if he can’t be grown up about it with his baby mama.

        I have started a YouTube channel about this topic. I will be uploading videos very soon with your questions and answers. Subscribe here, so you don’t miss an episode. I hope to help you on your baby mama drama journey.


    • Tracy A Muder says:

      Dr. Shaw great article, how do I go about my boyfriend of 6 years going behind my back meeting up with his daughter and kids mom and not telling me about it she came by our house unexpected a week ago he hasn’t seen his daughter in 6 yrs, I’m completely supportive of him seeing her but why lie to me and not include me in this, I asked him last night and he still lied even when I confronted him he’s talking about putting her on our cell phone plan and not even talking to me about it I’m so hurt he changed his password on his phone and even archived there messages I don’t understand

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    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Hi there, I don’t know why I am just now seeing this. Thank you for visiting my site and I’m glad you loved the information. Thank you for sharing with others. Join my mailing list, if you haven’t already and I will be sending out encouraging emails with some good content for everyone on my list. Text the word “join” to 38470. Take care

      • Tania says:

        My boyfriend cannot put boundaries with his baby mama, she calls whenever she likes, he cannot answer her calls in front of me, I found him sending pictures of his late mother to her with crying emojis..this is disturbing but I dont think I’m ready to accept that he is not ready to put me first and our relationship. I am staying because I love him and I’m convincing myself I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

    • Ema says:

      I have a question how should one respo d when their bf states that he wants to spend time with the babymomma for the child sake. I understand that seeing your parent have healthy relationships is essential to a child’s development, but does that include them hanging out?? am I being being overly concerned? or how should I handle that??

      • Zoe Shaw says:

        Hi Ema,

        Thank you for asking your question. Yes, seeing your parent have healthy relationships is essential to a child’s development, but your separated parents can have a healthy relationship without hanging out together. Is he saying that he wants to do things together as a family with his ex and his child or is he wanting to hang out with her separately? If he wants to hang out with her separately, then their relationship is not over and you are right to be concerned. If they were both single, that would be fine, but if he is with you, he has to let her go- other than the co-parenting that they need to do together, which doesn’t require them to be in the same room most of the time.

        Effective co-parenting is just about communication regarding the child and being on the same page and supporting each other in your parenting. All of this can take place over text and phone conversations. Although there may be occasions where they would need to attend an event together with their chid, etc., there is never a time he needs to spend time with her alone.

        Let him know that you honor and respect his relationship with his child, but spending alone time with his ex is not a part of healthy co-parenting and you aren’t okay with it.

        Best of luck!

        • Paige says:

          I’m in love with my boyfriend… but the baby mama drama won’t stop. There was a situation where we woke up in the morning and he took a shower but left his phone open on the bed. I’ve always trusted h but I noticed it was open on the messages his baby mama sent him. Soooo what can I say, I took a peek. I’ve never met this women or talked to her, I was curious of how their conversations went. I was devastated by what I saw. She sent him some sexual, raunchy message. I thought my heart was gonna fall out of my butt. I noticed he didn’t respond though, so I thought that was kind of odd. I broke up with him, right there on the spot. He called me trying to work things out, I blocked his number. He messaged me on Instagram, I blocked his account. 2 days later he sends me a fb message with screenshots attached. He tells me that she says things like that all the time. Sometimes he calls her out on it, but it always turns into a huge fight and she blows up his phone. Other times he ignores it and the conversation goes back to normal. The screenshots were the texts between them when he ignores it verses when he tells her to stop. I keep telling myself that he can’t control what she does or says, and he’s right. But that does NOT make it any easier. Since then we got back together. It’s been about a month since it happened. I keep asking myself how much more can you take? And I answer myself, he’s the love of your life and you would cross oceans for this man. I can’t let her defeat us. I don’t know how to handle this type of relationship. I’m 22 and my boyfriend is 32. Its my first relationship with a man who has a child and a baby mama. Anyone who has any advice, I’ll happily take it.

          • Zoe Shaw says:

            It sounds like your response was appropriate and drew some healthy boundaries about what you will and won’t tolerate. But you have to stand your ground and get clear about what you want him to communicate with you and what you don’t. I will be answering this question In depth on my new YouTube channel Baby mama drama fix. subscribe so you don’t miss an episode (link below).


        • Allie says:

          I really enjoyed the read. Do you have any advise on this situation?

          My husband had his first child when he was 15 and his bm was 18. They never dated and it was a one night stand. He tells me that their child brought them closer as friends. When I heard how they were speaking to each other while we were dating (I.e I love yous) I felt I needed to nip that in the bud.
          I feel she is way too comfortable with him and recently spoke with him and told him she was buying underwear which I find very inappropriate. Any time I bring up my issues with their friendship he argues with me and saying that I will not come in and mess up his relationship with his daughter by trying to ruin his friendship with her mother and her family (as I said I do not want them around). I feel they can have a healthy friendship without being that comfortable with each other out of respect for me. I also feel they should only talk about their child and nothing else. I love his daughter like she is my own so for him to say I am trying to ruin that is out of line. Thoughts?

      • D says:

        Girl, I would go ballistic . You are now in the family so you should go too

  3. Naomi says:

    i dont like how this talks about the baby mama being evil and bad, because there are some girlfriends out there that are disrespectful and would do things on purpose and also most baby daddy’s cause the problems by leading two ladies on like for example telling the baby mama lets fix things than turning to the girlfriend and saying i said that because of money.

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Thank you for your response. Yes, you are so right. This article was written for the girlfriend or spouse who often feels this way. I think I was clear that the baby mama needs to be respected (even if you feel she is evil). And I tried to give some perspective to make the new (current) woman understand what the mother of his children may be experiencing. You are so right about the man in the middle often creating this drama. I’m very sorry if you were offended in any way. My attempt is to help all parties get along better and understand where each other may be coming from. This is in the best interest of everyone. Best wishes to you!!

      • Ontwosides says:

        Why does the baby mama need to be respected by the other woman, but the other woman doesn’t need to be respected by the baby mama? So she’s just supposed to respect a woman who won’t respect her? Um, no ma’am.

      • alona says:

        Dr. Shaw, I have literally done everything you have stated even asked him to step up and put his foot down. They have a really strong bind and he talk with her things that I don’t feel are appropriate. Like for example, is it okay for my husband to go out on eatings with his children along with the mother without me? I have different views on this situation and my relationship with my kids father is totally different from theirs and we don’t have any ill will. What do I do when she only allows him to see his kids at her house and when I reach out to her she either ignores me or gives me rude remarks as if I don’t need to be respected. He has more kids and even his other children and mother aren’t close. I know there are feelings attached with both but he will not admit it nor let me out if the picture. What do I do????

  4. Nettie says:

    I think this is very valid and highlighted some of my views. What about for the wives or girlfriends that fully take care of the child with the baby daddy and the baby mother is around little to none but still causes mischief?

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      I’m glad this resonated for you. There are so many aspects of the baby mama drama and blended families. I think I may write a baby mama drama chronicles! You are right, the situation is very different when you are the main caretaker- essentially the pseudo mom. There are a lot of women who have taken on that role and kudos to you women out there! It’s even tougher when the other mom is still causing trouble even though she isn’t involved. When this is the case, you and your partner need to have a united front and confront the other woman with the issues that are happening, making sure she understands that because she is not very involved, that your parenting takes presidence. It’s also important that she is respected at all times as the biological mother with regards to how you speak of her in your family. Best wishes!

  5. Kim says:

    What about the baby mama that refuses to let the children be around the wife or girlfriend? I have never met or had any interaction with my husband’s baby mama or his kids. We live three hours away from her and the kids. She never lets him have the kids on weekends or anything. She only lets him see the kids if he goes to where she lives or if she tells him to go to his mother’s house and she drops the kids off there. His mother lives in another state (three hours away from us and six hours away from the baby mama). This has been going on for two years now.

    • Gem says:

      Hi Kim,

      I’m in the exact same position as you! I’ve been with my partner for over a year, living together since July and his ex will only allow him access to his daughter on her terms e.g at her house, her father’s house, meet half-way and do “family” activities which I’ve since explained to him makes me feel excluded/isolated/depressed. I just recently tried to make contact with her and it’s now EXPLODED as she’s delusional and accusing me of being the reason why their family are no longer together! We met when she had another man living in her house!! She also has another child to another man who we’re fairly certain she did this too when she was seeing my partner.

      The accusation of me being the mistress is completely false, and now she’s turned the whole situation around to being my fault, her daughter will never meet me and I’m a “bad person” when I’ve done nothing wrong except meet my partner and fall in love with him. I love him and can see us having a wonderful future together but I don’t know if I can deal with this kind of emotional strain. I’d appreciate any advise/support right now 🙁

      • Cindy says:

        Hi Gem,

        I am definitely understanding what you are going through. I’m so sorry to hear! It is so tough when there is an outside voice that affects us so deeply. I am also with a man with a mischevious baby mama who wants him to have nothing to do with me! But I love him and stick around even though the times are very hard. My advice to you would just be to ignore it and let time pass. It has been 2 years since I have been with this man and things have gotten better but they still do talk a lot of the time, which I am assuming will pass as well but ___most____ of the time it is about the child. I don’t see why they need to hang around each other so much, but I’m just hoping it is for the best interest of the child. I have learned to not take things so personally, because if it were anyone else, I’m sure the same thing would be happening.

      • Vicki says:

        Some of these baby mammas need to be taken to court. She cannot decide when and how he sees his children. But a court can force her to stop the nonsense. Its ridiculous!

    • G says:

      Consider yourself lucky.

  6. Brooklyn says:

    My baby daddy has not been a very active figure in my daughters life he doesn’t know nothing really about his daughter…..so I have not pushed him out of her life I have left the door open for him to try and have a relationship with her,this is something both me and my husband think is appropriate so that she doesnt resent us ….now I’m not going to act like I’m perfect or like I haven’t said some things that were in poor taste to him or about him especially on social media when I was pregnant and when she was only a few months old…I mean I was upset and frustrated that he helped make this child and has shown no active effort to be in her life or help ….. but he loves to act like I keep him from her …and let’s his family believe that I’m the bad guy…. so starting from day she was born he showed up to the hospital with his gf which in all honesty I didnt care at first. I had my then bf now husband their and I didnt see nothing wrong with that being he wanted her their for support. I had him and her wait out in the lobby till I finished breast feeding and my husband wanted to pick her up but felt he should let baby daddy hold her before he did ,my husband is very considerate of others ….so we invite baby daddy in first just so we can all get situated and then 15 mins later we Invite her in….she told the nurse no she didnt want to . So 30 mins go by and she wants to come in we had no problem with that ….until she walks in with this attitude and sits down and the way she looked at my child…if I wasnt on epidural and could feel my legs I would have went back to my old ways and dragged her out by her hair …..but instead I messaged him and said take her and leave. So 5 or so hours go by and I was tagged in a post it was a picture of my daughter on Facebook…she had commented on their that shes my child step mother * shes not married to him…they barely started dating * then they come back and she asks if she can call my daughter her step daughter…I say no …. I explained why I said no but it seemed to go in one ear and out the other. So we were all military at the time except his gf and I just got out . We lived in a apartment..and bd and gf would try to show up all hours of day and night and never brought anything for the baby but he and her only came to see the baby maybe 7 or 8 times . Well she had me on Facebook so I would notice that she would post pictures of my daughter on her profile that either he took or that she took with out asking or talking to us about…so at first I told him can you tell her that I dont like her posting pictures of our child on fb please don’t do it anymore and he agreed. Well she didn’t stop it continued to where I got annoyed messaged her directly…. tried to get her to understand that I’m the child parent n that me and him both did not want her to do this anymore. Also that they aren’t married so there was no reason for her to be trying to play house with my child on fb especially when hes not helping and that she is his gf and that is separate from him being a parent until they are married . I also said I like the fact she likes my child and wants to be in her life but that she was going about it the wrong way and she was being disrespectful by doing so. She didnt like that and didnt want to stop and or hear what I had to say so she blocked me. At this point I realized she is not rational. Well since my husband was military he was going to germany for 3 months and I had no help or support in Kansas and that after germany he would be sent to Washington state. So my husband gave me the option to go stay with his family for 3 months and they would help and I agreed because it what was best for our child . So when I got to Washington state it just continued to get worse between me and baby daddy he would say he was going to try to come etc every month oh I’m coming next month this continues for about 4 months until I was finally like I dont care dont say your coming when your not …the fist week we got here though he skyped me …and I only asked how are yall doing just to be polite and he said ehh it hadn’t been a good day ..I honestly didnt care I was just being polite…but his gf got mad and I could hear her yelling about me and my child in the back ground but …after that me and him didnt talk I just let him see baby girl playing on the floor and see what she was doing that’s it …but that was the last time he skyped and as time went on he would message and ask about her less and less now he messages maybe once a month ….. I dont bother messaging him or anything anymore I tried it when I was pregnant and the first month and a half after she was born trying so hard to get him to come see her and fighting him to get up n see her because I knew he had every other 2 days off but when I got to Washington it was old already….I knew he was a smooth talker could say anything I wanted to hear but wouldn’t do it …recently he messages me and says he is in financial trouble that’s why he cant come see her he has tickets and his 3rd car that year was crashed and etc … I said look I don’t care to hear the excuses because you pay for nothing military gives you money for food and you have a barracks room which is free and on top of that you 800 dollars every two weeks for your regular pay check … there is no excuse your just choosing to be irresponsible and spend money on things that aren’t important and that you cant afford instead of making your child a priority….he got upset and of course dents hes irresponsible and then said bye . But also not to long before that he messages me and wants me n his girlfriend to be cool or whatever ….but honestly I dont think I should even have to deal with her because I didn’t have a child with her n their not married..n on top of that I dont have respect for some one who cant respect my wishes as a parent and she sitting their not telling him to get his shit together..or be a father ..

    So how do I handle the situation with him ? How do I handle the situation with his gf?

    • G says:

      Step 1… learn the difference between their, there and they’re. Reading your long post was painful. Reality is you got pregnant by a man who had zero commitment to you n now you expect to be put on a pedestal.. your the classic baby mama. You probably never even lived with this man but think your some kind of ex wife. Raise ya kid n keep it moving. U had a kid n u had another boyfriend? So u we’re dating someone else while u we’re pregnant? Nice..

      • GrammarPolice says:

        Haha not you correcting her grammar but YOU do not know the difference between “you’re” and “your”

  7. Cyndi says:

    You must be a baby mamma because I don’t agree with any of this ! If the baby momma doesn’t respect herself she is not going to respect nobody ! If the baby momma is still holding a torch for him then she going to make it impossible for him to move on without if the baby momma is using the kids as pawn in her arsenal then she trying to destroy her kids along with the relationship that he has with his new women ! There too much emphasis On how she should be respected but little on how she tries to destroy the kids lives and his live because he moved on without her !
    How about the girlfriend who does ignore her and shows her grace ? I read 2 sentences on how the girlfriend should be respected
    But the rest of the article the baby momma gets diplomatic immunity nah bad article
    This article is in favor to all baby momma to continue to act like bitter wicked women

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Hi Cyndi,

      I’m sorry you are going through a difficult time right now. Blending families is always tough. I am not a baby mamma, but I deal with a lot of relationship issues in my practice. What I know is that whether or not someone else respects you or themselves should never be the barometer for whether you act in a respectful way. The point of the article is about making peace in your life, not who’s right or wrong. You can’t control what she does, no matter how crazy, you can only control your actions. No one gets diplomatic immunity for being a horrible person. Ultimately, she is only able to ruin the relationship if he is a party to it. If your partner is not respecting you enough to put in appropriate boundaries with his ex, then you get to decided if it’s healthy for you to stay in this relationship. Best of luck to you!

      • Vicki says:

        Zoe just like you said you can only control your actions, the man CANNOT CONTROL his baby mama’s actions! Stop blaming everyone for bad baby mamma behavior except the baby mamma. If you have benn through none of this, you don’t really understand how bad it can get.

        • Zoe Shaw says:

          Yes, exactly! When you stop trying to control other’s actions, life gets easier. It isn’t perfect, but it’s easier than the stress of trying to control someone else.

      • Joanna says:

        I am sorry but you are very wrong about that. My boyfriend’s baby mama is so jealous, it got to the point she is using her own child as a weapon in a battle with her ex husband. I would never say or do anything to hurt that child. Unfortunately, because of his baby mama crying in front of their daughter, complaining about him moving on, now in the eyes of that child I am the bad one. Even though, I had nothing to do with their break up. Decent person would do anything to assure her child just because her and her father are no longer together, doesn’t mean that the father loves the child any less.
        I tried to respect her, but in her obsessive jealousy she brings my name every chance she has. I met her only once so far, and it even got worse. I don’t wanna make it sound like I am full of myself, but I know she was hoping for his new girlfriend to be a hood rat. That is not what she saw. All of his family likes me, and that is killing her. When she met me, all the hell broke loose. She started sending him crazy messages, refuses to pick up his calls, and just acting crazy all around.
        I can deal with her crazy, jealous behavior, but the fact that she is trying to turn the kid against me and him, is just killing me. How do you deal with that?

        • Zoe Shaw says:

          There is nothing you can do about that. Eventually children see through the drama. If you stay constant and solid while their mother is lashing out and full of drama, they will eventually figure it out.

    • Hanna Moitoso says:

      I agree fully! My boyfriend has a crazy baby mama, I’ve done nothing but respect this women and she hates me thinks I’m evil has threatened to kill me and hurt me. Places a huge rift between me and my boyfriend. Respect needs to be understood not just given.

    • Alana says:

      I agree with you . That’s why baby mama drama is still messy.

    • Vicki says:

      Cyndi why can’t I talk to you sheeshhhh!!! You and I are on the same page. Jeez. These women act like the world should bow down and kiss their feet because they had a kid. Hell millions of women have kids and don’t keep up evil drama.

    • G says:

      That’s what baby mamas do.. they use they’re children as a pawn to destroy others comfort, she’s continually a hater, all while acting like she’s so above everyone n so special because a man who didn’t want to commit to her bust a raw nut in her in the day she ovulated.. women like this raise they’re children all wrong n then turn around n blame the man for any and every problem said child encounters in life when most of the time the only problem is that the child turns out exactly like her hating ass momma.

    • Sara says:

      This!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel like it’s biased & definitely in favor of the “baby mama.” Respect is earned, not given. My fiance’s baby mama constantly calls me out of my name to him & speaks bad about me to their children who are 5 and 8. We have them 4 days out of the week, and she has them for 3. I am not trying to “replace” her but I be damned if I’m be disrespected & still show her grace. I choose to ignore her altogether and that works for me and my household.

    • Ontwosides says:

      Right. That’s what I picked up on too. This article is geared in favor of the baby momma. My daughters father has another family and I don’t need his woman to kiss my butt. As long as she is good to my daughter, she’s all right with me. My husbands baby momma, on the other hand, is the baby momma from hell and we are going through it. We just had a new baby so we really don’t need this drama.

      • T.J.V says:

        My bf bm moved c back in with his mother and she literally calls me a homewrecker and threatens me through social media but yet when I met him they wasn’t together she wasn’t staying with his mother and when we originally meet first the steps was she broke up with him and moved out. She left their son didn’t see him and still doesn’t like to do much for him. Then the story changed to they was still together n they never actually broke up. She feels like I’m supposed to bite down because she gave birth but she went do for her son. She got mad and threw out the coat I bought they’re son for the winter. Who does that.? She doesn’t realize she’s hurting her son more than she’s doing anything to try to hurt me. Even his mom told me she feels like they should get a dna test and she feels like she kept the baby because she thought it would keep them together. It truly annoys me that she acts that childish.

  8. Ky says:

    This article helped me A LOT ! I am currently going through this situation as of right now where the childs mother is just coming at me and disrespecting me in every way possible because my boyfriend finally put his foot down and told her he has moved on and that they will on be communicating because of their child and that she needs to accept that. Yes it can be hard to accept but at the same time she doesn’t want to accept the fact he’s moved on and he’s happy. I’ve made sure to stay strong for him and I have not disrespected her in any way even when she’s just throwing shots at me back to back and literally blowing his phone up because she cannot understand that he has moved on. It’s hard because we are young and in our 20s but at the same time I feel like I don’t know what I should do as his girlfriend but to stay strong for him and coming across this article has really helped me to understand why she’s acting this way…

    If there’s anything else I could do to try and tame the situation on my part I would gladly accept any advice.

    Thank you

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Great job!! I am giving you a virtual hug. You are doing exactly what you need to do. Stay strong- don’t disrespect her. She will get the message loud and clear eventually. It’s not easy, but taking the high road pays off. Keep it up!

  9. Mel says:

    Thank you for this article, it was informative. I have tried a lot of what you’d advised but despite my attempts to have a friendly relationship with the mother of my husband’s son, she seems determined for us to not get along. I have gone out of my way to be friendly with her and she was nice to my face, but then repeatedly says nasty things about me to my husband. I have always encouraged my husband to spend as much time as possible with his son (I used to drive him 2 hours to go and see him before he had his own car) and yet the baby mother talks about me as if I hate her son and am stopping my husband from seeing him (even though he sees his son every week!). I don’t know how to move forward. I’ve tried to speak to her directly before and she’s friendly to my face but continues to be a bitch behind my back. I hate having animosity with anyone, especially when it involves a child, but I also don’t want to keep being the fool who goes out of my way to be nice to her when she’s always nasty back. I love my husband’s son and don’t want him to grow up thinking otherwise because I don’t know if she’s saying these negative things to him too.

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Hi there,
      I know it may feel like no one appreciates your efforts, so I will congratulate you for what it’s worth, lol. You don’t need to go out of your way to be nice to her, especially since she clearly hasn’t matured enough to be able to do that. She may get there one day (maybe not), but she’s not there yet. Your job is to support your husband, treat his son well and be respectful to her when you see her. Request that your husband and others not tell you what she says behind your back because that doesn’t help anything. I would also request that your husband shut her down when she speaks badly about you. But, remember, you can’t control anyone else’s behavior. Only your own. Yes, she’s probably talking badly about you to her son. Don’t worry about that. THis happens all the time and children always figure it out in the end. If he consistently experiences something different with you, then what he will eventually learn is that his mother is a liar. It’s unforntunate for him, but it is the truth. You’re no fool. You’re just taking the high road. It pays off in the end. Best of luck!

  10. Genesis says:

    This article isn’t very helpful for my situation. My boyfriend of almost 2 months has 2 daughters (both under 3 years old) by one woman. When I first met her she was very respectful and excited about him being in a relationship since she was already in one. However, as things have progressively gotten serious between me and him (we started officially dating, going out more, etc) she has been very rude towards me. She called the police on us, completely unwarranted, and was given a warning for filing false police reports. I’m a preschool teacher and am great with children, but she has told him on numerous accounts that she doesn’t trust me with her daughters. However, when she sees me, she’s all “I really appreciate you watching the girls! Thanks so much!” I help around the house (cleaning, dishes, etc) when they need me to watch the girls, I’m nothing but respectful to her, and she still acts like a complete ass to me. Recently, she posted something on social media basically saying her “baby daddy ain’t shit,” and when I expressed my concerns (because he is always there for his daughters, sees them almost every day despite him not living with them, very supportive), she snapped at me and told me I’m not allowed to be in her house anymore, she’s throwing away a gift I bought for her not too long ago, etc. How do I go about repairing this relationship? I don’t like her, I think she is a very childish and spiteful person, but there should be some sort of casual friendship between us, for the sake of the children. She doesn’t seem to care and throws the fact that she’s their mother in my face. I’ve explained to her on several accounts that I’m not trying to and could never replace her, but that she should be appreciative that I treat them as my own when I have them with me. My boyfriend and I are planning on getting an apartment together this summer and all of this drama she’s causing has me worried about how it will affect our life once we move in together. Help?!

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Hi there, I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this situation. Navigating these types of relationships is tough. It’s important to recognize that she is threatened by you and that’s a natural emotion. When you correct her behavior (or words) or you tell her that she should appreciate how you treat them, it only makes her defensive and angry. It’s great you made it clear that you respect her position. Let her have her temper tantrum. Don’t expect her to be mature or care about you at all. Yes, it would be wonderful if the two of you got along and could be friends, but that may be just a fantasy. As long as you and your boyfriend are on the same page, you should be able to weather the storm of her emotions. Best of luck! Reach out if you need more help

  11. Sarah says:

    Hi Zoe,

    When I was pregnant I found out that he was expecting with someone else too. I stayed against all I felt at the time and we worked it out. Fast forward a year and some months later and his kid is staying with us.
    I won’t lie I found this extremely difficult to do ,to the point where I wouldn’t touch the child (something that’s hard to go considering his 13 months). Time has healed that and I do everything for him now like his my own.
    My problem now is the babies mother, i felt/feel very strongly that they should not be interacting apart from talking about the child. While my husband felt that he needed to be civil with her which he felt meant sharing jokes with her and commenting on statuses and such. I told him I didn’t like that and told him flat out…it’s my way or the highway. He agreed and even agreed to my plan to have his sister handle all communications with her. So they never speak apart from the call to tell her he will be dropping off or picking up the baby at a certain time.
    Now the baby mamas parents are calling him and asking him why he cut communication with her. They saying that as parents they need to work together (my husband and their daughter). They even threatened to take the child something I feel would beak his heart.
    I hate that they feel they have the right to bully him like this but then I remember that I’m doing it too.
    I can’t stand the idea of the two of them talking because I imagine that’s how it was back when they were sneaking around.
    I know that they need to get along for the child’s sake but i would still rather walk away then see it happen. What do I do.?

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Hi there, I’m so sorry you are going through this! It’s tough and I’m sure you have been sticking it out because you are committed to the relationship. If you two are moving together in a committed relationship, then he doesn’t need to converse with her alone in private. It doesn’t mean that you always have to be there, but communication needs to be open so that you are aware of what’s going on. Yes, they have to parent their child together, but no, they don’t need, regular private communication. They can’t take his child away from him becasue he doesn’t want to converse with the mother.

      You two need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Ask him how he wants this blended family to look and what type of communication he actually wants. Tell him what you feel comfortable with, what you would like to happen and where your boundaries are. If he is willing to respect your boundaries, then you two can be united and figure out how to work it out. If he isn’t, you may need to walk away. This is not bullying him unless it is an idle threat. This is you loving yourself enough to know where your boundaries are, respecting them and demanding respect as well. Best of luck to you! Reach out if you need more help.

  12. Octavia Robinson says:

    Thanks for the insightful info! I’m actually not dealing with any drama because the mother has taken legal action to keep my husband away from their daughter. She is angry that they’re not together anymore and that his family didnt accept her and didnt take much of a liking to her. My husband is 21, and I am 20. He is a U.S. Army soldier and we got married when I was 19. We met 9th grade year of high school and had been together for 2 years. Unfortunately we broke up because of differences. Due to this break up, he jumped into a relationship with another girl during our high school years and got her pregnant. Plot twist is that she orchestrated this and intentionally got pregnant. My husband was upset that she was pregnant because they couldn’t afford a baby but he handled his responsibilities as a young father. He struggled financially trying to take care of her while she was pregnant. Seven months into her pregnancy she cheated on him. He doesn’t like to talk about it but his family knows. That night he found out she was unfaithful was the night he came back into my life officially. But he had reached out to mea year before and claimed that he was still in love with me, and this was before I knew that he was still in a relationship. Fast forward, he did the right thing by admitting to me that night that he had a baby on the way. I didnt judge him because I hail from a family of teen parents. I was still in love with him too, but I was keeping a safe distance. I said yes to being his girlfriend again after a month of him trying to get me back. He never mentioned our relationship to the mother or her friends because he wanted to continue to stay on good terms with her. I played the part of the Easter egg and stayed hidden, as painful as that was, once his daughter was born because he was afraid she would keep him from seeing the baby. But I didn’t complain because he was the one I wanted to be with, so I signed up for this. While we were dating, the mother sent him half naked pics of herself to him but he entertained the pics instead of asking about his daughter. The convo they had was dirty and had nothing to do with the baby. She also didn’t know about me at the time. I found out about these pics and texts a year later on Christmas when a paranoid me went through his phone. I shouldn’t have done that but I was afraid he might have done something with her and I didn’t know about it. I feared he had cheated on me with her (because that happens too) but he told me he only did it in order to manipulate the mother so that he could see his daughter. They havent spoken since Nov 7 of 2017. I was in a conflict about that because he was with me and did this but he wasnt going to tell me about this. If it were me and she sent me pics of her I would have said to her “Cool, where’s my baby?” She probably knows that I married the father of her child because he actually put our pics up on Facebook, but she blocked him when they stopped talking. Throughout this whole process he has been desiring a child with me. Back in high school he would tell me that he wanted me to be the mother of his future child. So it hurt a lot when I found out that he was expecting with someone else, but I never told him that. I supported him through everything and pushed my feelings to the side a lot and I would pretend to be okay when I wasnt. But I realized when you decide to enter a relationship with someone who has a kid or kids it’s a WHOLE different world. I want to give him a child because I have always wanted to raise a family with him. But not now because I’m trying to achieve my career goal as a nurse so I’m in school. I also work part time so we really cant afford a baby, not now, even though he’s set by being in the military. He wants a baby now and always talks about making me a mother because according to him I will be an amazing mother and he has always wanted this with me. But seeing the teen parents in my family struggle was enough to make me wait, but not for too long lol, only until I’m stable financially and I can be a good and available parent. I’m hoping that the mother decides to allow my husband back into his daughter’s life. He has fought with the mother just to see the baby and he has taken legal action but he didnt get far or succeed. I have a feeling she’s going to hate me because once she gave birth she expected my husband (boyfriend at the time) to marry her but that wasnt happening. But I dont care if she likes me or not, I’m going to be respectful to her and their little girl. His family was so happy that Xavier got back with me and I feel so loved by everybody. I know that I have a good support system. Sometimes I wish I was older and had accomplished everything I wanted to do so that Xavier and I can have a family together. There are even times that I wish his daughter was mine because watching him go through that separation was heart breaking and it killed me because I couldn’t do anything to help even though I know it’s bad to desire to be the mother of a child he already had. My baby fever is real yall lol. Once again Dr. Shaw, thank you for the wonderful advice. You have been a big help to me. Others just dont seem to understand. I will definitely keep these tips handy if I happen to go through some hills and valleys lol. Thank you!!!!

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Hi Octavia,

      I’m so glad that my words and tips were helpful to you. I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult journey with your husband’s ex. I’m sure this is heartbreaking on so many levels. I’m so glad you’ve chosen to take the high road. You won’t regret it. Best of luck and reach out if you need help!

  13. Samantha Beltran says:

    Thank you so much for this article, this really helped. I do often feel like my partner is not giving me my place in this toxic triangle of a relationship. I love him very much. I feel like he’s put up with baby mama for so long that he’s become accustomed to her BS and in return I feel I don’t get the respect i need or the the boundaries I set keep getting crossed. She is constantly dangling his daughter in from of him like a piece of meat to get her way all the time because she knows he will always take the bait. It’s fristraying for me to see this happening and when she disrespects me I don’t feel he backs me up. What do I do? I don’t want to give up on him and I but I don’t want to stay in this relationship if this is how it will continue to be.

  14. Lis says:

    I am married and made my husband know he has to set boundaries. I dont care how another person sees it. But I like my space to be respected. Eg for no reason shld the baby mama step into our home. I dont step into hers but she took pretext in saying she wants to drop off her mom to see my father lnlaw since he lost sm1 ( my husband and I live with my father in law and her mom was a very gud woman and knew dis person my father in law lost) but still she could have dropped her mom and gone back home. But she choosed to get into my house and started calling my husband on phone to let him know she was at our house and wanted to know where he was because their son was asking. Mind you. I told the son to hold on, I’ll daddy after doing the dishes so he talks to him. But she went ahead and called and kept on asking his where about etc. Infront of my face.Her mom too started calling me a lil girl after I was been nice to her. That’s my problem. I want my space to be respected but no it’s not. If I told the son I’ll call in a min and you go ahead and call my husband and going back and forth with him on the phone jt means you’re trying to prove smthg. Besides the bay mama and our house it’s just 5 mins away. So they alys drop the son off back and forth, call my husband back and forth and I’m not comfortable. At times the baby mama has to respect the space of the wife.

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Hi there,

      Thank you for commenting. I’m sorry you are going through such a hard time. I am never saying that the Baby Mama doesn’t have to respect you. Of course, she should. The issue is that we can’t control other people and so your expectation that she respects you is a wast of time. You demand how you believe you should be treated with the knowledge that you can’t make anybody do what you want them to do. When we let go of this idea that we have to make people respect us or treat us a certain way, it relieves a lot of anger and emotional energy we experience trying to control others around us. Simply decide your limits and boundaries and what you are willing to put up with and have clear consequences for a violation of those or exit the situation. Best of luck. Blending is hard, but worth it!

      • Sarah Sauers says:

        Hi Zoe,
        Should I let go of my anger towards my boyfriend’s babymomma? I clearly told my boyfriend she was not to step foot in my house especially since I’m not allowed to in hers. Well he let her come in anyway while I was at work a couple weeks ago and I of course was not having it. During that visit she bribed him with a kiss to take $1700 worth of my stuff. Mind you I’ve been nothing but respectful towards her, but it’s been the opposite coming from her. I kicked my boyfriend out for some time apart and sent him to his mom’s considering he violated my space and completely disrespected me. He’s since regretted it and doesn’t understand why he let himself do it. But I think it has something to do with how she’s very manipulative and gets inside his head to make him seem like a bad father if he listens to anything I have to say. I haven’t quite forgiven my boyfriend for this because he lied about what happened at first and I know he still has some feelings for her. They were married for 2 years and have 2 children together, but it ended due to her cheating on him multiple times. She holds hate in her heart and likes to say she’s not jealous, but I know she is. My boyfriend hasn’t been very good with putting his foot down and respecting boundaries, but I think he still hurts from how things ended between them (it’s been a year now since separating). The worst part of it all is I’m 5 months pregnant with his child and I’m pretty sure that’s why her actions towards me have turned way more hostile than before I was. I want to give my boyfriend another chance, but I’m waiting a little bit to let him seek out counseling and figure out what he wants and if he’s willing to respect my boundaries. I’ve since asked for an apology from the babymomma considering my boyfriend owned up to what happened and she denied it happening then blocked me on fb. She claimed to him that she already got rid of all the stuff but I highly doubt she did unless she literally gave it all to someone because a good portion of it can’t really be sold like clothes, makeup, etc. So I at least want a sincere apology to my face since we will be somewhat apart of each others’ lives for at least 17 years. She refuses to of course, am I right to want no contact with her whatsoever because of this? I’m hoping with time she’ll mature and apologize but I don’t see that happening any time soon.

  15. Merlin says:

    How about the bm lie about everything, and took the little girl away from her dad.we haven’t see her just right after Christmas was past.we just start seeing her .

  16. Merlin says:

    She sleep with her own brothe,no respect from her all she do is lie ,and the little poor angel know lies from her mom. She get mad and jealous if my man get expensive presents for her little girl ,and she get upset about it . What kind of mother is she .

  17. Alex says:

    Hi there, I know this article is from a while ago but my question is , well sort of a statement,
    What if the Baby Mama “forgets” to reach out to her child’s father’a girlfriend when he has been asking for a month?
    The mom is already remarried with another baby with her husband, she had to be taken to court so her first son can see his father but she hasn’t been making it an easy adjustment for everyone involved.

  18. Carrie says:

    I have a question, my husband now,have been together for five years married for 1 and has been nothing but drama, he has a little girl who is 12 now at one point I didn’t want this kid around she was so so jealous of my two girls that when we wasn’t paying attention she would push my now 6 year old down and has done this numbness if time, she would act like she has no home training, wrote my son a letter about being his girlfriend. I talk to him numbness of times and he have spank her, her mother I really believe that she couches this child to act so horrible I’ve talked to her a couple of time and the only thing she wants to talk about is my husband and her past which she is married now to a man, I get very upset because I don’t think that matters, I have said she wanted him or trying to mess up my husbands relationship now.he doesn’t say much but he doesn’t want her and I should know what I have…I feel like she tries to make me insecure about my marriage and I really wish she would play her role so we can get along for the child.. this woman called on his wedding day to tell him he can still see his child because to days prior we got into an argument.. she goes to his mother s house which she wasn’t doing at first I believe to try an get information out of her because I don’t care for her either..I love this man he is a great person. But I’m so sick of these woman around him ..any advice

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Hi Carrie,

      Yes, this is a tough situation. The best you can do is stop expecting her to be mature or appropriate. Do not engage in conversations with her regarding your husband and their past. Be respectful and minimize contact. She is not going to play her role or know her place. You and your hubby need to talk about your rules regarding his contact with her. Be careful that you are not trying to get him to change her behavior. that’s not his job. these next few years are going to be tough as his daughter is entering her teens. Do your best to connect with his daughter and ignore her mother as best as you can. I am creating a program for families called drama- less blending. I will have it available in the next 6 months. I will reach out when it is complete.

  19. Omalis Resto says:

    Hi” My name is Omalis I want to start with I’ve I been with my hubby for 5yrs just got married on April of this year. Five years ago when I was living in Philadelphia I saw my husband at the time was nothing but a long lost friend. We exchange number then started dating. I then found out he had a baby on the way and he wasn’t sure if the baby was his. I recommend him to get a blood text. He wasn’t in a mutual relationship with his neighbor it was only consensual sex and they were messing around for two months, from what he explained he caught her with her legs in the air. I guess it was a premeditated situation. Baby mom lives with her mother also she’s 43 years old. Sometimes I think she did what she did to find her way out of her mothers house. When I arrived to Florida he moved from his home to avoid his at that time soon to be baby mother. He told me he was depress and wanted her at the time to get an abortion “she refused” so he stop talking to her and ran from the seen. On March 13th 5yrs ago he ask me to be his girlfriend. I thought about it and then said yes. Never ones I though things were going to be as bad as they are now. He’s now fighting to have his daughter that he denied and paying a lawyer and 500.00 in child support. To top it off she been manipulating him for 4 years so far. At first he had to take a drug text every week meat up with his baby mom in order to see the child. Also deal with more manipulation and drama and fight through phone. On the first week they gave him his right to take the child every two week, what was that for she called the cops because she didn’t want to release the child. It got worse through out time were the cops showed up in front of are house because the baby had a small bruise. So she accuse him of child abuse. The baby at the time was playing with my daughter jumping on the bed a fell and scratch her eye. Till this day it’s been crazy, she doesn’t communicate which its good and bad. I feel like its been nothing but drama every time. Oh and she doesn’t want to meet me. I don’t know why if they never had a relationship, is it jealousy? To this day am always arguing with my husband, I also realize that she does things for attention. She been doing this since day one. Every time he need to fill out court docs he want’s me to do it, I put my gloves down when I got married because it’s nothing but arguments and drama. About to walk out my marriage can’t take this drama any more sorry to say but am so tired. I’m a person that never experience such thing.

  20. Anonymous says:

    L’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now. Okay so has 2 kids and i don’t get along with his baby mom. I been knew her and long story short,

    this pasted Sunday my boyfriend youngest had a picture of my boyfriend his baby mom and the 2 girls his daughters (family picture) on the wall And i felt so uncomfortable unwanted like i don’t belong. Honestly i am really confused thinking if i should even break up with him. It came to reality that his bm and she will always be around it was scary to think his youngest still wants his mom and dad together and im unsure if its worth staying. Ive spoke to my boyfriend about how I felt and everything and he says im crazy and that is his youngest daughter and he will support her 100% if she wants to carry a picture of his past. Can Anybody please give me good advise

  21. Anastasia says:

    This article was a tad helpful for me. I’ve been struggling with both of my husband’s baby mothers. I’m not sure if they know that I want nothing to do with them simply because I cut off all contact with them and purposefully avoid them.
    They are constantly manipulating and taking advantage of my husband and our family. My husband doesn’t see this as an issue because he gets to see his kids but it just disgusts me how much they get away with it. I want to say something so bad but it would probably make things worse. I can’t stand them for real and just avoid them to avoid conflict. I’m not sure if one day I’ll slip up and say something. But I know for sure they won’t get over on me!

  22. Well I’m going through the same thing . I mean I don’t want to lose him it just hard 💔 it’s not the kid I wanna be there for the kid but it’s hard .. I mean the baby momma told him that you don’t want him no more she just want him there for the kid I understand that . I’m just now to this . We been arguing about this but I read everything you said & it made me happy ‘ I understand now . Thank you 😔

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      I’m glad the article was helpful. Yes, it’s tough! Ultimately you have to decide if it’s the life you want. As long as you two are on the same
      Page and you can talk openly, most things can be worked out. 💕

  23. Sharidan Johnson says:

    So i have been with my husband for 15 years and i just found out this year?he have a 1 year old son with one of his family members, its sick but he claims he dont want anything to do with the child at all im so confused. She has him on child support but he havent made any payments. I dont want him to be on child support but i feel he and her need to have a conversation about him giving her payment outside of the court system. I dont know what to think

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      this one is so tough. I will be answering it on my new YouTube channel: Baby Mama Drama Fix. Videos will be uploaded in the next couple of weeks. Please subscribe so you don’t miss an episode (link below). This is such a very painful topic. My best advice is to not make any rash decisions. This is not a “we’ll get over this” type of thing. This is a life-long journey type of thing and you need to get your mind right to start tackling it. I look forward to giving you some more helpful tips on this journey.


      • Anonymous says:

        Help’ so I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years, I knew he had a daughter and everything was fine I’ve never met the baby mama. They really never talked his parents do the picking up & dropping off. I now have. Child of my own with my boyfriend . And while I was pregnant all of a sudden my boyfriend decided to call his first baby mama behind my back (mind you it was the weekend and we had his daughter with us) why is he calling behind my back in secret. ? and so now his first baby mama & their daughters grandma got my child a gift mind you we have never met. & the grandma of my boyfriends first child always saying she want to meet our child? Isn’t it weird? What should I feel about it?

  24. EM says:

    Ive been dating a guy for a year now, we live together with my 2 children and he has a 10yr old son who lives with his mother in FL. We live in NV so there’s a lot of distance. My man is very strongheaded and can be stubborn he is definitely a mans man. Him and his child’s mother got into an argument over texts. They go back and forth for soem time then she leaves audio recordings going on a rant about how he wont get to see his son, telling him to move back so he’s closer and then started to throw out how he’s hurt her things he’s done. These two havent been together since the child was 3, he is 10 now. From what i was told she cheated on him and had another baby but im also sure he wasnt perfect to her either, they were 18/19. Anyways, i thought it was strange that they brought up old things when its been 7+ yrs. They’re clearly toxic for and to eachother and while I’ve tried to maintain the peace and keep him calm. She brings out the worst in him and im left to deal with the depression/anger. I feel hurt because of the way his character changes when he talks to her. She degrades him. And he is so emotionally affected everytime they interact. Ive brought it to his attention that even though there’s distance, it feels as if they still feel something for eachother. My boyfriend swears he would never get back with her. I believe him to an extent but why so much emotion. How do i not allow this/her to strain our relationship without over stepping boundaries?

    *Im sorry if it seems all over the place.

  25. Shakeria White says:

    Hi Zoe, I am dating guy who is “separated” from his baby momma. They have been separated for 2 years ,according to him they split when their child was 4 months. He says the reason they aren’t divorced is because he is not a US citizen and is married under a condition to keep him in the US. The condition expires in March per the guy. The issue is he refuses to answer any calls from the mom around me, she doesn’t know he has an new woman in his life and she calls him at inappropriate times of the night “for their daughter” who is only 2 yrs old. He claim he cannot have a civil conversation with the mom and tell her he is moving on because he is afraid she will get upset and alter his relationship with their daughter.

    I have dealt with guy who has children so I know how baby mommas can be but this situation is not sitting well with me.
    Please advise, thank you!

  26. Samoy says:

    We’ve been married over 9 years. I’ve met baby mamma about 3/5 times. She hides from me and avoids me at all cost. I extended my hand once and she freaked out and my husband got mad at me because his child saw her go ballistic.

    I extended my hand to her for friendship or civility.

    Right before I extended my hand she dam near wheeled and did a u turn when she saw me in the car. Almost hitting someone and mouthed something foul to my scared husband.

    Every time I went with my husband she would go ballistic or hide behind the door and open it so I would not see her.

    I think that is the weirdest thing. I literally scratch my head at this 50 something year old female.

    She has not slowed down, dated (to my knowledge). She is in the exact same spot I met her as far as perspective. The exact same spot.

    Once I popped up and she and her daughter was dressed in hot short, both butts all out, in my husband favorite color. When they saw me she turned around and walked behind a car. My mouth was on the floor.

    She has been inappropriate on every occasion I saw her one way or the other.

    I do not go anywhere near anything that goes on. I am completely excluded.

    I recently found out, she thinks I am a mistress.

    I told my husband he would of had to have married her for me to be that and my recollection when we first got together he was dating others as well until we became exclusive, so she had a perspective that is skewed AND she was his mistress to his first marriage. One of the reasons it broke up. FACTS. So I was confused that he has allowed this not true perspective to flourish.

    I hope his child with her, does not, one day do the math. She will get her feelings hurt as to who is, truly, a mistress.

    I was excluded from baby mamma other daughter’s graduation because she did not want me there. He said she is not his daughter nor step daughter so he has no say. I got furious. You’ve shelled out shit loads of money to this girl including car, LV, money, expensive shoes, expensive vacas yet you have no say?

    I let him have it.

    He said he can not say anything regarding her, his child he can. I am like you running around all over the place claiming her daughter, supporting her, taking care of her, all of it..but you have no say?

    He even came for me when I hinted I think she is using him. He still has it in his craw.

    Behind his back she, baby mamma daughter, has come for me and I have swatted her down,nicely. She rides for her mom, and I get that.

    I think she is using him and is getting advice from people on his side on how to be. My husband is a giver.

    When he has concerns about her intent, mysteriously she pops up and fixes whatever concerns he has about her true intent.

    I have lost some feelings for him in this situation. I have sat back for 9 years, for his daughter, and said nothing to all the games she played and how unladylike she had presented herself with little or no self esteem or worth, in my perspective.

    Right now, I have stepped back from him and the whole unhealthy situation as I am tired of it and them, one low self esteem situation after the other.

    I let it out and stepped back from my husband and them.

    Venting and looking for insight. Am I the wrong person in this? Am I looking at this all wrong? I am confused. Am I petty?


    I do not desire my email posted.

  27. Arica says:

    Thank you this let me know I done everything right and the baby mama will not stop. She has a husband and and was married to him 9 yrs before me n my husband also have a child with her husband and yet and still she has to have drama with me. I through my hands up because before reading this I don’t everything in this order and it still does not work.

  28. Ilana says:

    Hi good afternoon i need advice asap…. vert long story short i recently met my boyfriend we have been together for about 8 months he says he loves me and he introduced me to his children and other family, however the mother of his children still lives in the house she moved out after cheating and asked to come back until she could afford better also the kids were’nt doing well in school so they agreed however i have a problem with that even though the children come by me and she knows about me why cant i go to his place and am i wrong for telling him she needs to find somewhere else to go he says she is working on it but i just find it doesnt look like she s going anywhere…. help please he says i don’t have understanding but my intuition my mind is driving me crazy telling me something is wrong

  29. Katelyn says:

    My SOs ex likes to tell him he can’t see or talk to their son when she’s mad. Recently she said it and saw their messages where apparently he claimed I was not her and he asked if leaving me would make them be on good terms. I’m unsure if he’s just saying these hurtful things about us to just make sure she lets him see their son or if he actually means these things..

    • Sav says:

      Hi, I would my name is Sav and I would love to talk to you about the situation; for I am in the same situation. I need advice b cause this is my first time being with someone who had a child. Before January 2019, I have had problems with the “bm” if my boyfriend and no one in my circle had been able to relate. I would to hear your input and opinion. You can contact me at 4057127606. Or emailed savrayne7@gmail.com. thank you!!

  30. My husband had 2 kids son 6 daughter 2 by the same woman we work on the relationship but the lady doesn’t want to meet me or let her daughter come around me she says you not going to play family with my kids jus the son comes sometimes she tells him she jealous or the things we do with the son they supposed to be doing together.. Now the BM won’t let the kids come over he has to go visit them I also help take care of them. Now he has to go over to see the kids while I’m at work..when I call he tells me..she doesn’t want me in the car when he picks up the son or drops him off.. I feels he not standing up for me at all I haven’t been to a birthday party jus send presents.. I’m feeling like walking away from it all..

    • Zoe Shaw says:


      This is completely unacceptable. You are his wife! She doesn’t get to dictate what goes on in your family or where you can or can not be. Your husband needs to stand up for you or get the courts involved. You are not a second class citizen in this dynamic. I will be answering your question on my you tube channel and hopefully supporting you through this process. I’m so very sorry you are going through this, but you deserve better. Please subscribe. My first video will be going up next week. Much of it won’t apply to you because your husband needs to figure out to which woman he has his allegiance. I will be adding your video in the next couple of weeks though. Babymamadramafix

  31. Livy says:

    Hey there,
    I have been with my boyfriend for about 5 months now. He is hoping to introduce me to his 1 yr old son in Aug (when we will have been together for about a year).

    History is that boyf and baby mama had baby by accident and he had already broken up with her when he found out. We met 16 months later. He sees his son every other weekend.

    Are there any more tips you can give me on how I interact with his baby (who will have no prior judgements / memories of them together as he is just a baby) and the baby’s mama? And what I can do until meeting him and her?

    I am concerned she still wants to be with him, that she will make things difficult. But I just want to calm my mind for the time being until I meet her.

    I do get emotional sometimes when I think about the fact that she will for ever more be in his life, but I am happy to accept it as I know he gives me all his love and support and that we are in this together. I am excited to meet his son and hope I can provide all the cuddles I can!
    Hope this makes sense.
    When are the videos going up on YouTube? Would really help!!

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Hey Olivia,

      Congratulations on your new relationship! This is such a great question and I will be answering it in depth on my You Tube channel. I will have my first video up by next week (March 2020). I am so glad you are seeking answers early in this journey. Do not make any assumptions. But know that she may have a lot of concerns and rules for you regarding interacting with him. His son is just a baby, so there’s no special way that you need to treat him, other than following your boyfriend’s lead and getting to know this little guy.

      When you meet the baby’s mother, just be polite and cordial. It’s okay to let her know that you understand her concern about you being around her son and ask her if she has any questions about you that you could answer that would make her feel more comfortable. Do not act overly interested in being in her son’s life and never give her advice or information about her child that you think she may not have. Be clear with yourself and with her that you have no interest in replacing her or her role in her child’s life. You want to aim for a friendly relationship that is not BFF status (ever!), but not enemy status either. If she is disrespectful, ignore it. And for now, don’t expect that your boyfriend check her behavior. He has no control over her either and that will just create issues in your relationship.

      I will give some more advice in my video, but here’s a good start. Best of luck to you on this journey. I look forward to supporting you in the process. Women like you are the reason why I am starting this channel 😊

  32. Thembie says:

    Hie Zoe!
    My partner’s baby mama has been stalking me and unfortunately my partner thinks Im the one to blame for not living a “private” life as he wants me to. I cant even post a picture of myself because she downloads them and starts to circulate them to different people with the aim to paint me the bad person coming between her and my partner., yet they seperated years ago, long before I came into the picture. I feel like My partner should be supporting me as I am the victim in this whole thing, and he does’nt see how badly this is affecting me. What do I do to contain the situation and get him to see how wrong his ex wife is.?

  33. Thembie says:

    Hie Zoe!
    My partner’s baby mama has been stalking me and unfortunately my partner thinks Im the one to blame for not living a “private” life as he wants me to. I cant even post a picture of myself because she downloads them and starts to circulate them to different people with the aim to paint me the bad person coming between her and my partner., yet they seperated years ago, long before I came into the picture. I feel like My partner should be supporting me as I am the victim in this whole thing, and he does’nt see how badly this is affecting me. What do I do to contain the situation and get him to see how wrong his ex wife is.?

  34. Sam says:

    So my boyfriend has 2 BMs, 2 kiddos. I got with him when i have 15 weeks pregnant (my BD is not involved it was a abusive relationship) We have been together for almost a year.
    The second BM is still to this day hung up on him, uses his kid against him all the time. My first encounter with her was right after i moved in with her, she came down so he could see his daughter, she wouldn’t even acknowledge me, she started going through OUR belongings at the house. She left crying and came back early to get his daughter. The second time we went up there (I paid for this trip) His daughter is still breastfeeding at night with her, we get there she doesn’t acknowledge me which is fine. Im over that let her be petty. I was just happy to see him enjoying time with his daughter.
    She then blocks him on everything and tells him he will no longer have contact until he can be actively present in her life.
    Here is the thing we get his son every other weekend, i work 50-60 hours week. he doesn’t want to give her the wrong impression by going up there without me, and it costs money on top of paying for both kids child support, our home, our lives, and honestly just finding the time because she hasn’t tried getting her to sleep in her own bed or get her off breastfeeding at night time.
    She threw my daughter in his face and said we dont have to go down there we are not family, he did shut that down and said they are family and it doesn’t cost any extra for us to go, and I pay for it and make it possible.
    She then through him not being on the BC in his face, I guess she had her daughter when she was visiting family or something idk but they never got it fixed, So he told me he cant approach the way she acts with me until they get that fixed.
    Well BM#1 went back down a bad path her sister warned him, I pushed for us to take custody of his son. He wouldn’t do it. I dropped it, just let him know my feelings on it.
    Well yesterday he informs me BM#1 is coming to drop his son off and i told him I wasn’t comfortable with that situation especially with me not being home.
    Well apparently i keep him from seeing his kids, I expect him to put me above his kids. Isn’t true at all, i have done nothing but push for him to be more involved with his kiddos, like i wish mine did.
    I know my place and ive respected his wishes, but im tired of being disrespected by the 2nd one and i will not be put in uncomfortable situations when it comes to my home.
    Im just unsure what to do at this point when i voice my concerns im being petty and i need to get over it and remember that he doesn’t have to put up with me because my kid isnt his and that he has to put up with them.

  35. Confused says:

    What would you do if you were in this situation. I’m currently in a relationship with my boyfriend for almost three years and we have two boys together. But he has a child with another woman. This ex of his doesn’t like me one bit and has been trying to break up mine and my boyfriend’s relationship. It’s gotten to the point where she is trying to seduce him and wanting to video tape her have intercourse with him and sending me the video. We were warned this by a mutual friend. But honestly what should I do? I honestly understand she still loves him but they broke up five years ago?

  36. Anonymous says:

    Hi Zoe!

    My boyfriend baby mama is taking control of my relationship to the next level. When I was living with bf, there have been two instant that I stayed with his kid due to daycare closed, she couldn’t stay with him. My bf doesn’t have family in our state.

    However, now Im being accused falsely of child abuse from the last instant I stayed with the kid because she said so, “ why you don’t live your son with your gf” and now she is Sending messages to my boyfriend that We are abusing her son and that she doesn’t want me to stay with her son anymore. The he needs to figure it out who else will stay with him. At first My bf was taking her accusations lightly because he thinks she is only talking and talking to get attention from him.

    But Now my boyfriend send me back to my house because the baby mama doesnt want me to be there with her kid.
    He said he wants to marry me, but how a
    Married life will happen if she is telling him who can be at his house or not.

    So I don’t know what to do. She threatened him to take the kid away from him and to acuse us for child abuse and that she will get more money from him until by being a stay home
    Mother so he can support her fully until the kid is 18 and that she will fight for 100% custody So my boyfriend will suffer for not being able to see his son.

    I was reading your post and yes, it is nice all those steps you mentioned. But how that could help when dealing with a toxic evil baby mama.

    I love him, but Im afraid of my safety. He is also concerned that one day she can just go to his house and broke in. Like I don’t know what to do to help him and our relationship to be safer.

    Please give me some of your advice.
    I want to Understand her pain for me being in the family she created first.
    But she destroyed her family for being an abuser. The police filed domestic abuse against her because she used to hit him infront of the kid. It is a difficult woman.

    But I love my boyfriend and I want to be with him on the ups and downs.

    Thanks for taking your time on reading this.
    I will be waiting for your advice.

  37. Anonymous says:

    My husband had a child with a high school girlfriend. They were together for about a year and a half. We met when their son was 3 months old. We’ve now been together for 13 years, 11 married. She has also been with her boyfriend for 13 years. We have two children together and they have two children together. For many years, there was the typical drama, but for about 4-5 years now, we’ve all worked on building a family unit. It was a little awkward at first but once her and I got to know each other, we formed a true friendship. Sometimes we would all hang out as a family, with the kids, and sometimes it would just be the four of us. Her and I have even got to a point where we get our nails done together and have girls nights. Everything was going great! A few weeks ago, they came over with the kids. The kids played. Adults were drinking. I knew almost right away that something was different, from her. She was looking at him different. She was wearing his coat-in any other circumstance I wouldn’t care but it was something about that night that bothered me. She was going over the top about how “he definitely has a type, but you’re prettier.” Her behavior was different and the things she was saying were just too much. At some point, we all went to bed. The next morning, I woke up first and couldn’t find my phone. I grabbed my husbands and saw a text from her, which I thought was weird since she was at our house. I open it to see that she was texting him, while at our house, how cute he looked. He didn’t flirt back but he also didn’t stop it. When he got up, I asked him about it and after some persuasion, he finally told me that he had text her about 3 hours before they came over and had a “what if” conversation. They talked about what it would be like if they never broke up and what it would be like if they got together now. He had also sent her an inappropriate comment, asking if she remembered a certain sexual experience. They agreed to delete it and act as if it never happened. The “what if” convo wasn’t in depth, so I’ve been told. And she told him his comment was inappropriate. So, I don’t understand where her comment came from later that evening. Let me say, in 13 years I have never once thought that he has feelings for her or wants to be with her. Maybe that’s why this situation is so shocking to me? I’m having a hard time moving past this. Of course I know things could be worse, but I feel extremely hurt from both of them. And I’m not sure how to handle it.

  38. Amy says:

    Is there ever a best time to tell his baby mama that we recently got married and are expecting a baby? We’ve been together over a year and at the beginning of our relationship I reached out and asked if she wanted to meet me so she would know who would be spending time with her son. She refused and called me all kinds of ill fitting names and kept him from seeing his son for a few weeks. We decided early in my pregnancy that we wanted to keep it as stress free as possible, so we would wait to inform her. She’s young (early 20’s) and naive, I really feel she still has feelings for him. I don’t see things going well. Any suggestions?

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Just rip the bandaid off and tell her. The sooner everything is out in the open, the better. If she throws a fit, have your husband deal with her as much as possible, but you two remain a united front. Make sure you inform her in the nicest way so that she doesn’t feel like you’re gloating. Best wishes and congratulations!!

  39. Nikki says:


    I have a question, or rather seeking advice. My husband has not seen nor spoken to his child in 5yrs, due to the Mother changing her number, address and etc. Everything was semi okay when I was just the Gf, but when we got married parents from both sides got involved and everything went to hell. Randomly, the bm called my husband from a blocked number at 1:54am rambling, about the past (that past including her and myself getting into it several times due to her rude and nastiness, which was 5 years ago) why is she still holding onto this? Then why call at the wee hours of the morning? (I expressed my sentiments about the calling at those hours to my husband, he was half sleep & excited to possibly reconnect with his daughter) He went on to say she expressed wanting him to join her and their daughter for counseling (even though he has not spent time with either of them in 5yrs, other than seeing bm at court 2 times a year…which he always wants me to be present for, just for extra understanding if I’m able) Is that going into the right direction or beginning of connecting a family dynamic? He said the call was basically her rambling, but as he explained it didn’t really have a point to it. I suppose she was trying to come to the conclusion of what she had been doing was wrong- maybe Covid has turned a new leaf for her or maybe she’s searching for something to dramatize about, since 5yrs of drama has passed. Anyhoo, flash to the past- I met the child before the mother, and never wanted that. I expressed meeting her first, but she wasn’t ready. (I get it, still emotionally attached) I understand everyone heals differently, but I do know she’s been sending signals via my husbands siblings saying “she’s lonely..etc) I applaud my husband for sharing these details, but it makes me wonder if she’s attempting to reconnect for the best interest of the child, be nosey, or what exactly. Btw, my husband and I have 3 kids and the third being a newborn. And things were peaceful, but I’m preparing myself for drama. I have that gut feeling. Previously, she’s attempted to add me on Facebook, which I declined. I feel, if we aren’t able to speak face to face like adults, why snoop on my Facebook page for your own rationalization(s)? Over-all, in a nutshell- Do you think bm means we’ll by the child, or seeking drama?

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Whether she means well or not, keeep her at a polite distance. Be cordial and watch. Time will tell. I know this is a scary time and you may feel like she’s trying to break up your family. It could be that she is just trying to re-connect. Unless they haven’t been able to communicate at all, there is no reason that the two of them need to be in therapy. But, it may be beneficial for him to the in therapy with his child and for the four of you to be in therapy together to address co-parenting issues. Best wishes.

  40. Natasha Burris says:

    I have a dilemma, and I have tried to be the bigger person for months. My guy has a child on the way with his child’s mother. They have an 7 year old and been separated since she was born. They had an couple link ups during the summer and now she is pregnant. He had found out when we made our relationship official. She Got my number out of someone’s phone and then called to tell me she was pregnant but they wasn’t together. Moral of the story is she
    Is pregnant and even though it was a fling she makes it seem like they have been together and I am in the wrong. She puts her child against me, she even disrespects my relationship via text messages, trying to get him to sleep with her etc. I don’t know what to do anymore

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      This is all too new. Are you sure you want to be a part of this? They had a child 7 years ago and he is still sleeping with her? That’s a lot of history for you to get in the middle of. Now he’s got a baby on the way. You may want to bow out of this now because she will be in your life forever and with a brand new baby there will be lots of interaction. She’s not convinced it’s over and she’s still trying to sleep with him. My best advice- cut your losses and move on to someone who is completely done with his baby mama.

  41. Talia says:

    I was with my ex just shy of 3 years. He has one child and I have 2 children from previous relationships. He refused to let me meet his Bm and wldnt tell her that we were together claiming that it was none of her business. His daughter, now 4, told the Bm abt me and would constantly talk abt me And my children to her, But he refused to let me come to her 4th birthday party, saying that the Bm was uncomfortable with meeting for the first time at their daughter’s party. I relented, but expressed to him how I felt he let his bm’s feelings consistently take precedence over mine. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, he gets drunk and ends up at her house and in her bed. She posts a picture of him in her bed asleep on her ig story with another post abt breakfast in bed. I find out because my best friend follows her and gave me a heads up. Needless to say, I screenshot the picture and let him know that we were over. I then reached out to the Bm (her number was posted on her ig) to find out how long this had been going on, because he was refusing to answer any of my questions. I was very polite initially, but she became very disrespectful on the phone, and the conversation quickly took a turn for the worst. To add insult to injury, she tells me that she didn’t know about me (I don’t know how that could be possible when all of his coworkers, family, and friends and one of her best friends were all aware of our relationship) and that he had denied our whole relationship to her. She said a few disrespectful things to me, and so I, in turn, let them both have it. He finally reached out to acknowledge that he was wrong, and has told our mutual friends that he didn’t sleep with her and was very drunk and ended up there and she let him sleep it off (why he has to sleep it off in her bed, is another problem in and of itself. However, he told me that I was the one out of line for looking up her ig account and contacting her, and that I disrespected her, she is his family, that she was blameless in the situation, and that there is no coming back from that. I am beyond hurt. I don’t know if he slept with her or not, but I feel that she posted that ig story knowing that I would see it, and I am really disgusted that he took her side in the situation and was more concerned about her feelings than mine. I just really need to know if I was wrong for contacting her and then defending myself in this instance. I don’t feel that I was 100% right in cursing them out, but that was precipitated by very disrespectful comments on her part.

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      I’m so sorry you are going through this right now. Here’s the thing- it’s not really about whether you were right or wrong. You have every right to contact anyone and ask them anything. But it didn’t serve you.

      He was in her bed. That was all the information you needed. It was his fault that he got himself into that situation. It doesn’t really matter if they slept together or not. He’s still too much into her to have a healthy relationship with you.

      I never suggest contacting the other woman ever- except in one circumstance. I just recorded an episode (in response to your question) about contacting the othe woman. Listen to it here.


      Best wishes!

  42. Anonymous says:

    HiZoe … so if been going through trouble with my Boyfriends first baby mother we have a 3 ur old but they have a 5 yr old and a 3 yr old as well… yes it sounds crazy I know but I chose to forgive him we have been living together for two years but the drama never stops she has since made it hard for him to see his children and taking him for child support he went to get visitation and now she has no choice but to send the children we have been in a physical altercation before but she loves to play victim she swings on me & it didn’t turn out to well for her and he was upset with me because Shouldn’t have beat her the way I did but it was ok for her to assault me… she’s made up lies stalked our social media I blocked her off both our page & she got angry started calling & texting him anytime the kids are here on his weekend and he goes he’s on social media and not in the house she constantly calls questioning him every weekend they are here she calls his phone every day and of course he answers she ask their 5 yr old questions about what she eaten If she bathed or brushed her teeth ext. at one point she told him until I sat down and spoke to her he couldn’t see his kids the lawyer told him to call the police on his weekends but he refused to do so because he doesn’t want to get her in trouble because she’s their mother he just wants to be able to spend his time with them I understand he doesn’t want to fight with her but she runs all over him questions him about things that aren’t her business his daughter told her we bought the kids a new bed and she got upset & was calling and texting him about it … she’s always trash talking me to the point where their daughter comes around repeating things she say or she’ll tell his family or me that her mom doesn’t like me we have met before and all she did was demand things from me and got upset when I didn’t want to play by hers I can’t take there daughter anywhere even though she asks to go with me all the time her kids never attend my daughter’s birthday parties but I send our daughter to their children’s parties & I stay behind his daughter has school plays and things that I can’t attend & she ask and my excuse is I had to work their daughters hair is rarely done & she has always asked me to do it because I do her sisters all the time and they always want their hair alike & one time she cried about it and I felt so bad I braided her hair up like my daughters (her sister) & she got upset and bad mouthed me I have blocked her off him and my social media somehow she still sends him screenshots of my page or of his page we were at the park with the kids & he posted a video of the kids & I was in the background she called and told him to bring them home she doesn’t feel safe with her kids around me because what I did to her when she attacked me she’s always the aggressor & when I react he gets upset with me but when she’s upset he always finds a way to smooth things over and calm her down if she’s sick she’ll call him and ask him to bring her medicine and guilt trip him if he doesn’t and says he doesn’t care about his kids bcuz if she’s sick they’ll get sick on her birthday she sent a long ass message about how hurt she was becuz he didn’t wish her a happy birthday and they shouldn’t be on such bad terms that he didn’t & that he acts like she’s such a terrible person which she has been for the last couple of years but I’ve let it slide becuz she was hurt but because he felt bad on mothers day he decided to stop by her house and give her a card she had the audacity to try to embarrass me as if he was there without my knowledge as if I didn’t suggest that he do it… she’s controlling and she manipulated him & I will not be controlled by her as well And me & him continuously argue about things he does for her that I feel like he shouldn’t she knows he’s a good guy & he cares about his kids so she uses him & she makes him look like a fool I get so angry with him because I can’t stand to see him being taken adva Of HELP

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this situation. I would encourage your boyfriend to watch my youtube video “Men, stop being scared of your baby mama” here:


      It seems he hasn’t figured out how to make this a business relationship about taking care of the children only. Until he is able to have those boundaries with her, you will continue to experience these problems.

      Unfortunately, co-parenting doesn’t come with a manual, so a lot of men don’t realize that they have boundary issues and that is why the baby mama’s are stepping all over them. There is not a lot that you can do until he decides to respond to her differently. Best wishes!

      • Melissa A Berry says:

        Hi, so i have a question.
        Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years and ive meet the baby mama and his child (who i do adore)
        But i camt even go with him when he visits at her house n hangs out with him.
        She is married now and has another child.
        But when im there she ALWAYS brings the past up with my boyfriend and she finds any means to touch him. Thrn says, shes allowed to do that. While im sitting there amd im saying to myself. Ummm, no you cant. Im his girlfriend you are his baby mama. Nothing more.
        He says he cant do anything cause she has full control over there son.
        And when i bring it up to him, we do fight.
        So im just lost n dont know what to do.
        Please help!!!

        • Zoe Shaw says:

          Hi there, I‘M sorry you are going through this. Unfortunately, he is not respecting you as a girlfriend if he feels that his baby mama has every right to touch him and disrespect you when they are together. It’s not true that just because she has control over his son, that he doesn’t have to have any boundaries with her. But this is an issue between the two of you more than it is with the baby mama. You can’t control her behavior, but we can all have boundaries in relationships. If he were doing this with another ex-girlfriend, how would you respond? You should respond the same way here. Best wishes!

  43. Lalanis says:


    I’ve been having trouble with my boyfriend which I’ve been dating for about 6 months. For the most part he had his kids. I got along great with them and they did with me. Their mom started to be more involved with her kids since she’s had another kid on her own with her new partner. Pandemic hit and she quarantine with them. This is the longest time the kids have had with their mom since she left them 5 years ago. My boyfriend is very upset due to the separation. Kids call all the time they want to come home. She’s been threatening to keep them. As she has a new house (my boyfriend lives with his parents for now) and a husband that provides more. His reaction has been shutting down. He hardly talks about it, but when he does I am not sure how to response. We are both in our early 30s, but I don’t have kids of my own or baby daddy drama to relate. How do I react? He shuts me out for days sometimes weeks. I am not sure if I should give him space or if I should approach him. If pushing him too much will break us.

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Wow, I’m so sorry this is going on. A pandemic should be no reason to not see your children. I would encourage him to talk about it and tell him how you imagine he must be feeling. You can not make him talk, but just stay open for conversation. Offer suggestions when he seems open. Best wishes!

  44. Nancia says:

    Hi so I have a question . I rekindled a relationship with my boyfriend who has 2 children with his baby mother I met him 7 years ago when he only had one child we were just friends I was in my 20s and didn’t want to settle down with a man with a child. Fast forward to recent we decided to start dating and he has a one year old now with her. He wanted his family to workout so bad that he kept going back to her even though he wasn’t truly happy. She told him she wanted another child and he wanted marriage and as soon as the child was born she broke up with him. I know this is true because he is an open Book with me. I have even seen text messages were she stated “I left you” she can be manipulative controlling and just down right mean when it comes to there almost non existent communication. She does everything through his mom and sometimes just disregards his feelings. As far as our relationship I can honestly say it been the best relationship I ever been in I’m 34 successful and dated for awhile and I never felt this way. Long story short she is now trying to cause drama. She sees he is in a happy relationship her children love me and he talks about me with his eldest daughter on FaceTime and I know she probably doesn’t care that as much. From day one he wanted me to be comfortable with the idea of dating a man who has children because this is a first. He is 39 it’s been 9 months and we already live with each other and talking about marriage. She knows this and tries to downplay our relationship stating he has done this before ( I’m assuming because of there on and off again relationship these past 10 years) I honestly feel like she doesn’t know how to be in a healthy relationship with him but also doesn’t want to see him happy. I guess my question how to I handle her with al of her disrespectful slick comments she makes to him. He definitely stands up for me but I feel like she is so manipulative and is trying her best to get under my skin how do I handle this! Did I say I know I want to marry this man (cooks cleans and works!) and make me feel so good in my own skin:)

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      She is trying to get under your skin. She likely always will and you just have to ignore her. Engaging with her will only let her know that her plan is working. You can’t and shouldnt’ try to control her comments. You have to be clear that this is what you are dealing with. The less you play into it, the harder it will be for her to get what she wants from you, which is a reaction.

  45. Monica says:

    Hi there! I would love your advice ladies. My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two years now but broke up in December 2019-January 2020. We eventually got back together in February and moved in and have been in the best place we ever have been.

    A few days ago a woman he slept with in January while we were broken up texted him saying she just found out she is 23 weeks pregnant and had no idea but thinks he is the father. She apparently took a plan B pill (he saw her take it) and she says it didn’t work.

    I’m not sure how to handle the situation. I don’t know how someone doesn’t realize they’re 5 months pregnant first of all. My bf has made it clear he doesn’t want a relationship with her and that I am his gf and eventually we are getting married. She is claiming she doesn’t want him in their life and doesn’t care but obviously he is going to do right by the baby, if it is his. She refuses to have me around and with my boyfriend when discussing the baby or any agreement. He made it clear if its his baby I will be around the baby and be the baby’s step mom. I also recently have been getting anonymous hate messages, which is ridiculous.

    I’m having a hard time coming to terms a woman he barely knows might be having his child and is making all these demands. I understand if its his child its a responsibility he has to take on and I will fully support him.

    Any advice would be helpful!

    • Zoe Shaw says:

      Hi Monica,

      It sounds like your boyfriend is taking all of the appropriate actions. I wouldn’t focus on her, but just focus on making sure that you two are in agreement about being a united front. Neither one of you can control her, but you can put up boundaries that will reduce her ability to control you. She doesn’t get to have a say in who he is with when he is with her child. Also, make sure everything is done legally from the very beginning. It’s important that you are very clear that she will be in his life forever, but it is definitely doable if you two are in this together. Best wishes!

  46. Corinne Chavarria says:

    My soon to be husbands ex is always putting him in a position where she holds her kids hostage from him til he gives her what she wants. He pays 600 a month for 2 kids which one is not biologically his but he is emotionally attached. He is a good father, and his kids are precious. I opened a phone line at T-Mobile a family one and some how she manages to take the phone he bought for his daughter and somehow she ended up with a line. He said he just does it so he doesn’t have to hear her argue with him. But every time she needs something for her phone or an upgrade I might potentially need for me or others I alway have to look and take time to check and see. When it comes to my ex husband he doesn’t want to hear a word. I just don’t know how to stay calm when she is treating him a certain way and to the point where it’s overlapping with me

  47. celine says:

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  48. celine says:

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  49. Dior says:

    Me and my husband had a situation where his baby mama was just comfortable with talking to him like she is his (wife) . I gave many different great compromising solutions, but it seems like he doesn’t want to follow it . He really is trying to maintain a good relationship with her by letting her talk to him however she wants even if it disrespects me! He just wants to see his son but I know he’s not gonna go to court for visitation. He feels like just as long as he doesn’t act on her impulses it will make it better. But when i go Through his phone and see how she’s tAlking to him it’s enough to make you want to put your hands on her.

  50. Tammy says:

    I am married and my husband has three kids with his ex-wife. She also has another child that she had after they split up. On a occasion my husband has allowed her last child to come on his weekends. When I came into the picture I told him I did not want to be responsible for a child that is not his in our home. His ex-wife is very upset and expects him to keep her other child whenever she has the need. It has been frustrating and he has yet to set those boundaries. How do we deal with this?

  51. Shuga says:

    Dr. Shawn, I must say I love your article as it gives some insight on how to go about BM drama, cuz truth be told I’ve been a nervous wreck lately. I’ll explain..
    I’ve been dating this guy for a year now. At first we agreed on something casual but as time goes on I find myself falling in love with him. He told me he had a BM even before we started seeing each other (something I’m very grateful for, cuz he was transparent from the start) and they have a very pretty daughter who’s 2years old. I’ve never met his BM nor his daughter except on pic. There was a time I saw msgs from his BM with her calling him pet names and all.. I called him out on it and he said he doesn’t love her anymore even tho she still calls him “baby”. I didn’t really feel convinced but I let things slide for peace sake. There was a time he said his BM n him during their days were very good friends,his family loves the girl and that he could sacrifice anything for her(he was drunk and I was taken aback but Still let it slide trying not to create a fuss). Ok fast forward to 2weeks back.. he sent me a lengthy text telling me about how much he’s been thinking lately concerning our relationship. He asked if in my perspective we’re still just having fun or there’s something more to our relationship or if I wanted something more, just so we’re on the same page. My reply was that I wanted something more and that it wasn’t just about fun to me, we’ve developed a kinda bond/attraction so far. He then said he wasn’t ready for anything serious and I was like WOW, INTERESTING! (inwardly I started to feel like I’ve been wasting my time again). He then said he has an impossible decision to make before the end of the year which scares him. I immediately sensed it was concerning his BM so I asked my questions: is it concerning ur bm? U wanna settle with her n so u have to drop either of us?? He said an ultimatum. I asked that we meet up and we somewhat spoke about his past relationship with the woman. He didn’t tell me what decision he had to make tho so I was weary and couldn’t help but cry fearing the end of us(p.s not crying in front of him). Later that day we had sex but it was different. Both from his n my part. I sensed trouble, some rift. However he said he enjoyed it and had no complaints.
    Fast forward to 1week later, I got another lengthy text saying d decision he spoke of had been made for him already. His daughter’s maternal grandfather called him up, giving him an ultimatum to either come and do things right by his BM or that he was going to arrange for a husband for her and that my boyfriend’s daughter wasn’t going to bear his name. He also said his family seemed to agree with the idea of him getting bk with her. He said wanted me and his daughter to bear his name but that he’s totally confused.
    I know I care n can understand his feelings but I am breaking too. I know I don’t want to lose him. Besides he’s 35, his BM is 32, d decision is supposed to be made by them, right? I am 22 and he keeps telling me I’m young and can hardly understand. I asked if he wanted to marry her but he said NO.I asked what I was supposed to be doing between now until when he finally makes his decision and he says I should live my life(doing what I love), while trying to wait for him saying he was going to act impulsive hoping for it to work. He asked if I thought we can ever be friends
    He hardly wants to share what’s going on in his mind even when I ask. He gets easily irritated and says I’m truly difficult to talk to.
    I want to give up, at the same time I want to be a bit more patient and supportive but with all these mixed signals I am totally confused and breaking emotionally. What do I do?

  52. mamaPRIV says:

    OMG Mama Lara, your story speaks to me. Its like we have the same baby mama 🙁 I wish I can meet you so we can share our story. Thank you for showing me that I am not alone.

  53. Unnamed says:

    I have been with my bf who is now my husband since a few months ago , his baby mama drives me nuts he has told her many times to only contact him if it’s reguarding his son and she always texts him and calls him over and over agian about her needing money about her wanting money even when the kid is with us he got a new fone because she was always blowing him up we agreed to contact her on the old phone and not let her have the new number, a little bump on the road hit her car broke down. And he did not have the old phone so he contacted her with his new phone now she is blowing up his new fone and every time she texts him or keeps blowing him up makes me sooo mad at him because he shouldn’t have gaven her his new number we argue a lot because of this mainly me argue with him or get mad at him every time she calls or text I am
    Starting to feel unhappy and tired of fighting I don’t know what to do anymore I been made enough to where I want to fight her and I have confronted her but she never does anything she hides

  54. Nicole says:

    my ex husband’s wife called me bitter um no she called me several times I have her blocked she has no say so in when she wants to pick up my child cause simply my childs dad doesn’t care cause if that was the case I would’ve had a phone call from him not her

  55. Madeleine Ryan says:


  56. Melissa says:

    Thank you for this article…. Gives a lot of insight into what everyone is feeling. It’s never easy.
    My situation is tough…. My current bf left his bm/wife of 14yrs and two kids together. His kids come over 3days a week overnight now. It’s been almost 2 yrs now….. But he insists on picking his kids up and dropping them off by himself at her house. (They’re still married legally) and she meets him in parking lot in front of our gate to complex when she drops off…..and I can’t even go with him to get kids even if we are leaving somewhere. I have to wait at home. All phone calls he hits ignore if I’m in same room with him and will text her a bit later or call once I leave. All holidays and birthday parties are at their old house where she lives still and I must stay home alone. But I buy gifts for the kids and I love them. I’ve bonded with the kids. But any gifts are told they’re from Santa not from me cuz they’re taken to her house where he goes for holidays. Plus his 2 sisters stilllive in the back house so that’s why he’s over there every day for some reason no matter what…. I want to believe he’s not doing anything with her but it just feels wrong somehow…. oh and his son is special needs… he’s a teenager but mentally a 4 yr ok’d and loves me a lot.. I love the kids but don’t trust that my bf is being honest. What should I do?

  57. Ellie says:

    Its a long story. Everything was fine with BM. We were actually friends before but as soon as we told her that he and I wanted to date each other, everything completely changed. She pushed us together and everyone, including her would say how perfect we are for each other and how we would make a good couple. We used to roll our eyes and get annoyed but eventually certain circumstances that SHE caused, brought us closer together. She would disrespect both of us. He eventually got tired of it and broke up with her. I was still her friend but she would always push me to the edge and I started noticing what everyone saw. She was never a real friend and was never there for me, I went and am still going through an anxiety period and every time she would say that I was crazy and that it was best if I just killed myself. She only tried to make up because she needed another favor. So when he was the only one that actually cared and listened, during those times we got close and that’s when I told her that he & I wanted to date and were just letting her know. After that she started saying that I stole him away and that she was trying to change (hence they’ve been off and on for the longest) and that I took her child’s father away. We live in the same building and goes over everyday & he gives her money for their child. But ever since that she told everyone that I was a slut when she’s the one that thought she would trap someone with children. She is currently 20 with 2 (3) children so when she calls me that I tell her to make sure the name she calls me doesn’t fit her because he is also her step-brother and she shuts up. She wanted to go out with the other brother too and even kissed. I took care of her first child because she goes though post partum depression and tried to get her to get help but she never accepted it so I took care of the 1st and second so her children and I get along great with them. The eldest (not his child) would even sleep over with me because she would cry over at her house (she lives in a single with currently 9 people total). Anyway now that he and I are together (he moved in because he had no where to go and was put to decide to either get back with her and sleep with her or move out) she has decided that she doesn’t want me next to her children and has put him in the uncomfortable position that he is only to see his child at her place and can’t take her out with us. I have no problem with him going over to see his child but I do have a problem with him laying down on her bed and her grabbing his a** when he’s there. I hear that from other household members and when I let him know that I know, he says it’s not what it seems but why does he let himself be put in that situation. Her children have slept over at my house, have been fed by me, and have been diaper changed by me. She’s the type that doesn’t change her children’s diapers until its very full dripping out and he trusts me with his child more than with her because I am attentive with them. Even she admitted to that. I’m not trying to take her place and understand that she feels betrayed in a way but we decided to give us a chance and we are working out but in her head she believes that I am the reason he won’t take her back. I really want it to work out and I don’t expect her to be happy about us but to respect us since it was her that pushed us together in the first place. She expects me to close the door when the eldest comes in but I won’t kick her out. I tell the child to ask her mom because she needs her permission but she’s usually out or asleep so she asks grandpa and he’s okay with it because the “problem” is between the adults, not the children and he trusts me with them. Sometimes the eldest is out for over an hour (she’s 4) and later goes asking if anyone saw her. It’s not my responsibility to keep an eye on her but I still do and let her know where I saw her when she asks. She always tells her she was a mistake, that nobody loves her, that she’s ugly until she cries. She doesn’t have a job and is currently on EDD. She just told him again that she doesn’t want him seeing her child anymore and that she’s going to move far away. We have told her that she needs to understand that he and I are together now and that she can’t deny him his right to see his child. We have to tell her that if she doesn’t let him see her, that we will have to go to court and she has the odds of losing because she has no stable income and we both have jobs and an apartment (well mine but it’s our home now). That’s when she says “I’m just kidding” and then the cycle goes on again. I love him but anything, she tells him to go over and take care of his child or to take her to wash or the grocery store and when he says that he’s not available or he’s with me she says wow so you prefer p**sy over your daughter when she’s the one that leave the children to go drink and smoke with friends. He usually end up going but I won’t tell him what to do. He has told her that he doesn’t want his child alone like last time he passed by after work and everyone was passed out and his kid was crying. But she says “oh you went anyway, and there’s other people home”. The other people home were either drunk or passed out on meds. Then she proceeded to say “well take care of her” and he told her he can but he’s not going to be over there all the time. I love him but I don’t know if we can keep going like this. His mother loves me has told him he needs a schedule and to set boundaries but I don’t think he knows how and that girl respects no boundaries. How should I handle this?

  58. Treasure says:

    Please I need advise 😔
    Am dating for just two years. At first I gave my V (pride) to my boyfriend before he told me he has a son outside after few month of dating he’s bby mama.
    He was passing through hell, then I had to put him into serious prayers and fasting.
    Hopefully God started taking him up, he then carried he’s son to he’s family for schooling while he’s working, the sons mother keeps on draging the child.
    2nd: I was in his room with him and his friend when his BBY mama can into the compound with the son for visit, suddenly he left the house and called his friend on phone to come out with me, when I asked he said he’s preventing me from been unhappy if he go close to her to carry he’s son
    3rd thing is he always say ill things about his bby mama not been sensible, adamant and low sence of reasoning.
    But recently him and his bby mama had issue about the child and she smarched the phone he just bought for her less than 2 months worth 50k. I never knew about the phone until she broke it that was when he told me. Am surprised because he has never gotten anything close to such amount for me since I knew him.
    My question is I don’t really know if he’s double minded. But I do get deeply hurt to tears when ever it gets to he’s this kind of tings, and he always say that am just hurting myself that he has never hurt me since we started dating.
    Please I need advise on what to do, I can’t even brake up cos I really love him but the pain is really eating me up

  59. Rachael says:

    What do you do when the baby mama acts as though the three of you have a great co parenting relationship but makes it very clear that she’s still in love with him and always will be she always try’s to text or call at times that she knows I am at work but she recent found out we are expecting a child and has threatened him with all kinds of things she’s vindictive and has sent him to prison once already based on lies she has connections in a small town near where we live and it scares him so he feels like if he doesn’t do everything she says she will make our life a living Hell she has no respect for boundaries when it comes to him and I and our relationship

  60. Stephanie says:

    Hi ladies , please I need your advice, my bf has a daughter and also a baby mama. I haven’t met her yet ,we are planning on getting married very soon and all of a sudden he changed,he started spending time with his baby mama, which hasn’t happened before , she even traveled with their daughter to see him.. usually she drops off the child and leaves but she decided to stayed back . I traveled home to see my parents and my bf tells me that she sleeps in he’s bedroom and the share everything together and their daughter sleeps in the guest room… I asked him what this meant and he said whatever I feel like calling it. He even tells me to leave the relationship if I feel like I can’t continue with the new development.
    Please what should I do, I love this man and at this point I don’t know if he got back with her or not.

  61. Anonymous says:

    While I did not feel like everything here applied to my situation, it’s rather nice not to feel alone.

    My husband and I have been together for almost 10 years and we’ve been married for about 4 of them. He has a 14 year old child with the woman he was on and off again with in highschool – they got pregnant shortly before graduation. I swear I could write a best selling novel with all of the drama and crazy situations we’ve lived through these last 10 years. It’s exhausting. 10 years later and I’m still the antichrist, she’s still never had a job and has seriously skewed expectations of my husband, and we’re still trying to find the wonky line that keeps her out of our hair, but allows us time with their child. She has full custody and it’s just a nightmare.

    For example, last year she decided on a whim to go to on vacation with some of her family members. It was super short notice, but we had no issues with them going and having a wee bit of a vacation. But then she called my husband and informed him that he needed to give her the money for their child’s plane ticket and spending money. I’m sorry – what?! Now, I had no idea how she was planning on paying for it, but that’s not my business. It’s just crazy to me that after all this time her sense of entitlement and outlandish demands can still shock and surprise me.

    I also don’t agree with 98% of her “parenting” or lack thereof. Neither does my husband, but whenever he pushes back she does something that prevents us from seeing his child. She’s vindictive, cruel, and honestly I don’t think she’s a great mom. The only thing I can say in her favor is that I don’t doubt her love of their child, but that’s about it.

    While I felt terrible reading these stories about what you all have experienced, its also reassuring to know that I am not experiencing something that no one else understands..

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