The day you gave birth to your beautiful baby, you never imagined you would be in this situation. We all know the term- Baby Mama.  No one purposefully becomes one. But it’s the reality of our modern world and it’s hard to get away from the drama of it all. BabyMama, blended family, his house, your house, step parents, step kids….. the labels go on…

You may have been characterized as evil, money hungry, manipulative and jealous. You feel hurt, misunderstood, deceived and angry. After all, when you and your ex were together and started a family, you were none of those things. He was singing your praises, right? Now you’re trying to take care of your kids and maintain some parental relationship with him and everybody is demonizing you.

When I did a quick google search for Baby Mama Drama, almost all of the advice was about how to deal with your partner’s (evil) baby mama. That’s not fair! The drama goes both ways. Just because she’s his new woman doesn’t mean she has a perfect agenda. You have to deal with her too!

Dealing with his current woman is probably the last thing you need to worry about with all the other balls you are juggling in your life.  But she’s there and you do have to deal. In a perfect world, families blend, exes and currents get along and everybody is a united front in their parenting. But the world isn’t perfect, is it? And you are reading this because yours isn’t either.

No one chooses to live a drama filled, dysfunctional life, but this whole baby mama drama thing can make you feel like a crazy person.

First, I absolutely hate the term and so should you! You deserve to be described with words that don’t have such negative connotations. Don’t accept those labels as your own. You are better than that. Correct people if they describe you in this way because the term itself has become a derogatory one. You are the mother of his child (ren). You deserve to be recognized as the whole person that you are, not delegated to a term associated with descriptions that don’t apply to you.

 

So how do you deal with your ex and his new situation? Here are some tips for kicking the drama out of your life:

1. Don’t communicate with your ex’s new wife or girlfriend through him. This is called triangulation and it is never a part of a healthy relationship. Be the bigger person and reach out to her.

So many issues can be solved by just going to her directly. Your ex doesn’t need to be and shouldn’t be the mediator or referee between the two of you. Remember the telephone game? Messages get distorted and messed up in real life too. It is better to not speak to her at all than to try to speak to her through your ex.

2. No matter how angry you get, do NOT argue in front of your children. If he or she begin to escalate things, get some distance and refuse to participate. Your children are way, way too precious to damage them with the negative residue of your relationship. One person can not argue by themselves (Well, maybe, but then they just look crazy. Let them do that all by themselves).

 

3. Be willing to see her through an understanding lens: It’s easy to demonize her. It’s easy to be angry at her. But the truth is she didn’t break up your relationship. His choices led to that. If they weren’t together, more than likely, he would be with someone else- not you. She is a woman just like you are and maybe you would handle things differently, but she is not you and so she’s going to make different choices.

And by the way, she’s probably not getting the full story on you. She’s getting the abridged version where you are the villain. Much of the way she is relating to you is about the one sided way she is seeing you.

4. Move On! Some men enjoy the feeling they have when 2 women are into them and even fighting for their attention. They may even do some things on a conscious or subconscious level, that encourages the drama. Don’t be a party to that. Disengage from drama whenever you see it.

 

5. Make Friends with your jealousy. Jealously is a normal, understandable emotion. It is a feeling just like all others. Acknowledge it. It’s okay that you want an intact family or that you may wish at times that you two were still together.

Realize that much of what you think they have is just a fantasy in your mind. You don’t see them behind closed doors and you’re probably not privy to their relationship issues.

Stop the fantasy and work on appreciating what you have in your life and what you are building. Jealousy is normal, but it must be fleeting because it is a killer of happiness. Happiness is a choice. When you examine your life, you will see that you have much to be happy and thankful for.

6. Your feelings matter- just not to her- Work on your expectations when it comes to your relationship with her. She probably has her own issues and jealousy when it comes to you. Don’t expect her to be any type of way initially, but expect her to be exactly what she has shown you over time.

The biggest issues we have in relationships is expecting people to be who they aren’t. If she has proven to be petty, immature and dramatic, expect her to continue to be that way. She probably won’t disappoint you. Choose to react in the opposite way and less drama will ensue.

7. LOVE YOURSELF! Things didn’t work out with him and now you have to deal with him and possibly her for the rest of your life. You are still loveable and deserving of love. Love yourself, work on yourself, be open to love from others and you and your kids are going to be just fine!

When you’re the baby mama, it’s hard to get away from the drama, especially when he has a new woman.  But remember that it takes two and you can gracefully step off the stage!