I’ve been walking this journey of really hard conversations with a number of my clients recently.
Needing to have them, gearing up to have them and then processing the aftermath of them.
Conversations with parents, friends, spouses and children. I have found that it’s easier sometimes to be more frank with a stranger because the stakes aren’t high. In relationships with people we care about, the risk of hurting them or jeopardizing the relationship silences us. And this is so unfortunate because they are the very people we should be able to be open with.
As a therapist of 20 plus years now, I have yet to see a hard conversation yield no fruit. Do they always have the outcome you desire? No. But are seeds planted and burdens lifted and space cleared? Yes. Is authenticity created in the space of lies of omission, is intimacy deepened? Yes.
As you listen to this episode today, I want you to think of a conversation that you may need to have with someone right now.
I can think of a number of hard conversations i have had and I know I’m getting better at them. I have had to fire some I really liked. I have had to tell my children they had a sibling that they didn’t know they had, I’ve had to end friendships that were no longer serving either of us.
I’ve also been the recipient of hard conversations. In my book, I talk about the hamburger eating geneticist who gave me my daughter’s diagnosis and how badly it was done. I’m not against meat eaters by the way. I eat meat. His description is a long story that i share in my book. As a practitioner, it has made me keenly aware of the power of my words as I hand out a diagnosis or help a client share a secret with a loved one. I know how it feels when it’s done well and I know how it feels when hard words have been broken to me in a way that was not thoughtful or caring.
I think it’s important to note that when you hold in things that need to be said, you may find them bubbling out and even exploding in a way that is not productive. It’s better to not hold them in and be intentional about sharing them in your relationships.
Some questions for you as you think about having the hard conversation:
- Why do you need to have it?
- Why have you been avoiding it?
- What exactly do you need to say?
- How can you express your words in a way that is non-blaming, yet also not tiptoeing at the same time?
- What do you expect from this conversation?
- How will you be okay if you don’t get it?
- How will this serve you and how will it serve the relationship?
These are things to consider:
Do you want to have a conversation or do you need to make a statement?
A conversation is a give and take, where both people’s opinions, thoughts and feelings are discussed.
It may not be safe to have a conversation with some people. Maybe they aren’t mature enough, maybe they tend to get defensive, maybe – But if a conversation is unsafe, that doesn’t mean that you now need to pressure cook your words, feelings and thoughts. No, you need to make a statement surrounded by warm boundaries.
Words still need to be spoken, but maybe not in a conversational style, but in a “I need to tell you this” kind of way. I don’t want to have a conversation right now. “I’m going to leave now and give you space to process what I’ve just told you.” And exit.
It’s also important to consider – Does it feel unsafe because I’m scared or because i know this person well enough to admit that we can’t have a healthy conversation.
If fear is making you feel unsafe, then, my dear friend, it’s time to take a journey through it. On the other side of fear is the good stuff. Waiting until the fear dissipates to speak up is like waiting until you get in shape to go to the gym.
I have found that the most painful and scary conversations are the ones that yield the most fruit.
What I know is that you can do hard things, what I know is that your words can be spoken either in conversation or a statement couched with boundaries. What I know is that releasing your words creates freedom. You’ve got this!
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