What My Book Release Taught Me About Complex Shame

When my book, Stronger in the Difficult Places released, I already knew what was coming. Not necessarily intellectually, but I knew it in my body. I know what shame feels like.

I had told a vulnerable story in this book. I had named the places I once hid. I had put language to experiences that shaped me long before I understood what they were doing to my nervous system, my relationships, and my sense of self.

Just a few weeks after, The Oprah Winfrey Network released a documentary about my life, telling parts of that same story aired publicly.

Two mirrors.

Two exposures.

One nervous system.

And exactly what I teach about Complex Shame unfolded in real time.

 

Shame Doesn’t Go Away- But It Does Lose Its Power

One of the things I explain in my book is this: Complex shame doesn’t disappear because we’ve healed “enough.”That promise is a lie.

Shame is part of being human. It’s a social emotion designed to keep us connected and safe. The problem isn’t shame itself- it’s when shame becomes chronic, relational, and internalized, shaping how we see ourselves instead of simply signaling a moment of vulnerability.

That’s what I call Complex Shame.

So when waves of shame came during this season- before interviews, after emails from readers, while watching the documentary- I wasn’t surprised. But I was confirmed. Confirmed about the reality of health in the maintenance phase of overcoming Complex shame.

Because the shame didn’t make me hide.

It didn’t make me sabotage.

It didn’t tell me I should disappear. Well, it did, but I had the strength to do the opposite. It didn’t have the hold on me that it used to.

Instead, it passed.

That’s the difference healing makes.

 

Shame Thrives in Hiding- Not in Light

Shame loves darkness.

It loves isolation.

It loves secrecy and self-blame.

But Complex Shame cannot survive exposure paired with self-forgiveness.

That part matters.

Exposure without compassion retraumatizes.

Compassion without truth keeps us stuck.

What dismantles shame is this combination:

• We tell the truth.
• We forgive ourselves.
• We contextualize our behavior.

Because here is one of the most healing truths I know as a therapist:

All behavior makes sense in its context.

Every coping strategy you developed once helped you survive something.

Every relational pattern once protected you from pain or abandonment.

Every way you learned to shrink, please, perform, or control once served a purpose.

Complex Shame dissolves when we stop asking “What’s wrong with me?”

and start asking “What happened to me – and how did I adapt?”

 

Healing Takes Less Time Than Shame Took to Form

Another thing this season reinforced:

Complex Shame can take decades to develop, but it does not take decades to heal.

It takes intentionality, not endless excavation.

Healing accelerates when:

• You stop shaming your shame.
• You stop demanding perfection from yourself.
• You learn how to stay present when shame shows up instead of obeying it.

I watched this truth land not just in my own body, but in the voices of readers who reached out.

Women.

Men.

High achievers.

Faith leaders.

Parents.

Partners.

Professionals.

So many said some version of the same thing:

“I didn’t know this had a name.”

“I thought this was just my personality.”

“I’ve lived my whole life feeling something was off—but I couldn’t explain it.”

Language is power.

Naming is freeing.

Understanding interrupts self-blame.

Complex Shame doesn’t discriminate and neither does healing.

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What I Want You to Take With You

If you’re reading this and wondering what to do with what you’re noticing, here are grounding steps you can begin now:

 

1. Stop Trying to Eliminate Shame

Your goal isn’t to eradicate shame.

Your goal is to change your relationship with it.

When shame shows up, practice saying:

“I see you. You don’t get to drive.”
 

2. Practice Contextual Compassion

Ask yourself:

What was I trying to protect?

What did I fear losing?

What did I need that I didn’t have then?

This reframes behavior without excusing harm -and that distinction matters.
 

3. Notice Where Co-Dependency Shows Up

Complex Shame and co-dependency are often intertwined.

Watch for:

Over-functioning to feel worthy

Self-abandonment to preserve connection

Confusing loyalty with self-erasure

Awareness is the first interruption.

 

4. Replace Hiding with Regulated Exposure

You don’t need to tell everyone everything.

But you do need someone safe.

Shame weakens when it is witnessed by compassion instead of judged by silence.
 

5. Forgive the Version of You Who Didn’t Know

This may be the most radical step.

Forgiveness isn’t approval.

It’s release. It’s giving up all hope of a better past.

And without it, shame always finds a way back in.

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This season didn’t teach me something new.

It reminded me that the work is real.

That healing holds under pressure.

And that when we stop hiding, shame loses its favorite weapon.

You are not broken.

You are patterned.

And patterns can be understood, softened, and changed.

That’s what healing looks like in real life.

Not the absence of shame –

but the absence of obedience to it when it arrives.

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If any part of this resonated—and you found yourself recognizing patterns you’ve never quite had language for, Stronger in the Difficult Places was written for you.

Not to fix you.

Not to rush you.

But to help you understand yourself with clarity, compassion, and honesty.

Inside, I walk you through the steps I’ve used both personally and professionally to untangle Complex Shame and loosen its grip so it no longer runs your relationships, your choices, or your sense of self.

You can find Stronger in the Difficult Places wherever books are sold.

GET YOUR COPY HERE

And if you read it, my hope is simple: that you feel less alone, more grounded, and a little freer than before.