
When A Friendship Needs to End
Let me start with a prayer from Author Cole Riley. It is a Prayer for those who have outgrown a friend: Dear God, It is difficult to allow for evolution in our friendships. I confess that I cling to others...
Did you know that the issues in your marriage have little to do with the health of your marriage? It's not too surprising because I always talk about self-talk and how important it is. Well, guess what? The way you...
June 12, 2020
It’s not too surprising because I always talk about self-talk and how important it is. Well, guess what? The way you talk to your spouse is just as important as your own self-talk when it comes to the long term viability of your marriage. There are four main ways that you could be communicating with your partner that predicts with 93% accuracy whether your marriage will end in divorce.
This is actually not new information, but many of you have not heard about it, so I’m sharing. John Gottman and his wife, Julie, are psychological researchers and clinicians who study marriages and divorce prediction. They painstakingly listened to and analyzed elements of couples’ conversations over more than 30 years and have observed over 4000 married couples.
What he has found in his research is that there are 4 main communication styles that he calls the four horsemen, that predict divorce. He found that when couples use these four styles, he can predict with 93% accuracy that the marriage will end in divorce.
I remember first learning about this in grad school and feeling a bit blown away that he had cracked the code and could really figure out who was heading to divorce court and who wasn’t, JUST by listening to them talk. He didn’t need to hear the content – it didn’t matter what the issue was. He just listened to the way they talked about it and from that he could determine the health of their marriage
It’s pretty cool that he broke it down quantitatively. First, he found that you must have a 16 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions on a regular basis and 5 to 1 during the conflict in order to be a happy couple. I’ve never actually counted that ratio during any arguments with my husband, but just the knowledge that it exists actually helps me keep it in the back of my mind even when I am really angry at my husband.
Write that down. For every one of your negative interactions, you must have 16 positive ones when things are going good. And when you’re in conflict, thank God it’s only 5 positive to every negative. Now, this doesn’t predict divorce, but it does determine your happiness in your marriage.
Learn to recognize when you or your partner are feeling overwhelmed and agitated. And agree to both check out for a few minutes to calm yourselves down.
It’s Uber important that you come back to the conversation, but only after you can both be present.
Basically, the four horsemen are checkpoints for relationship conflict. Staying aware of them and making sure you are working to eliminate then from your communication with your partner increases the chance that you two will see your golden years together.
The good news is that the outcome of your marriage is something that you have control over. You can change the way you communicate with your spouse and it can change the trajectory of your marriage.
You’ve got this!
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